This is what I've been reduced to. Getting highly emotional typing and backspacing on various blog posts while John Mayer's Friends, Lovers, or Nothing plays on loop. I have so much to say, but nobody wants to listen, and I don't want to say it to anyone either. For fear of many things, but mainly for the fear of waking up tomorrow morning and feeling like a complete embarrassment. Why do we feel so differently in the night and in the day? Like we are two complete human beings. The day is the rational one, the one who shames you for the night before, and the night is the one where you feel the need, and the right, to express everything that's going on inside your troubled head. The night self, the emotional wreck, seems like the braver one. It takes damn a lot of courage to be exposed, to acknowledge your feelings, to allow your thoughts to flow without filter. But in the day, pride wakes up and you feel like you've been a whiney fourteen-year-old. I don't know if it is common, but I experience these two identities, the day and the night, very strongly all the time. Which is why I'm conflicted. I cannot decide if I should just be honest or be rational. There are pros and cons to each of them but I always end up asking myself, "would I be proud of myself for doing that?" I wish I could just remove all filters, all pride, all shame, and see what happens. I might just end up declaring, "I make bad decisions in life" again. Well this time, I don't want to say anymore. Regret if I do, regret if I don't. But if I don't, the only damage done is to myself, saving a lot of awkwardness and unnecessary drama. So I'll just mope internally until the sun comes up again. The sun always rises. The worst part of all this is, the one person who'd stay up with me at this hour to help make things better is the one person I can't talk to right now. What a cliché. I need more telly and less reality. Phil would make lemons out of lemonades and he'd buy an alpaca just because. Things are a lot safer when it's just my telly and books and fictional characters. I think I'm really growing quite mad. Sigh.