Her deep asymmetrical eyes, her popped-up veins, her cold skin. When she's watching tv I just sit and watch her. I watch her eyes and they remind me of mine, and I learn to love my imperfect eyes because they remind me of hers. I play with her popped-up veins like when I was a child. I've grown to love and know them so well, like the purple walls in her house. My fingers trace the veins, and I feel safe as long blood flows through them, like touching and holding on to the purple walls in the dark, using them as my guide. She notices what I'm doing and she'll say, "阿嬷老了". When I was younger we used to take naps together on her big bed since yeye passed away. I'd raise her arms and play with her extra skin. There's much more skin today. They show her bones and remind me how delicate she is, so I don't play with her skin anymore. But her humour and sarcasm is as big as Bing. She's my go-to person. I don't tell her much, nor does she tell me much, but she is my world. Just sitting next to her, hearing her breathe, watching her chest go up and down, my heart slows down and the whirlpool in my mind rests. I am comforted to know that she is still filled with life. I get random thoughts sometimes, thoughts of her leaving before me, and I get so scared. I know I can't hold on to anyone forever, but she's always been there and I hate to imagine what it's going to be like if she ever leaves. I thank and praise God for keeping her healthy and strong and giving her a great sense of humour. Whenever I feel lost in the world, as if I'm drifting through and not really fitting anywhere, I like to watch her breathe. Because I know I belong inside her big heart. Even if the world kicks me out and I have no where to go, I have a spot in her heart and I can rest there, knowing life is flowing through, knowing I will always be protected within the purple walls of her home.
Today I had another one of those feelings. But it wasn't so much about me being lost, but about me dying to go home. I knew I needed to see her, to watch her breathe. I knew that as long as I was with her my anxious heart would be still. I took time off work to go see her and of course she greeted me the same way, "妹妹，我要打你屁股，那么久没有来！" I always feel like crying when she says this, which is every time I visit. A girl should never allow her grandmother to miss her. It is too cruel. I'll not get mopey but reply, "你想念我吗？" She always replies the same way, "想，想打你屁股！" She's one weird lady. I had only one hour with her before GG's concert, so I just watched her, took photos of her, made her laugh. She loves having her photos taken despite what she claims. She loves looking at her own photos and commenting which is pretty and which is ugly. The ones she claim are ugly are my favourite. They always show what she's thinking. This crazy girl always pointing the camera at me as if I don't know what a camera is. This crazy girl always making me do funny things. Today she finally gave me a proper smile and she said, "SEE I SMILE FOR YOU TODAY!" I don't know the mandarin words of what she said today because she spoke to me in hokkien for a bit. She always forgets that I am her grandchild, the generation that wasn't taught to speak in dialect. She started going on and on about all the grandkids and greatgrandkids and who she missed. I asked her what she did and she said there's nothing much to do. She just sits in the living room and watches tv, and when she spaces out she thinks about all her grandkids who are all grown up now and are too busy with their lives to come back and visit. I wanted to die. Here is this little old lady, the woman who has the biggest heart in the world, a heart that's opening up to twenty grandkids but not one is back to visit. I wanted to give her everything. I wanted to stuff her face with food, bring her out to a movie, take her on a holiday, I wanted to give her everything. It's not fair that she is alone in the house with her helper. It's not fair. I wonder if she knows my heart is also open and that she is living in there every second of every day. I wonder if she realises she's at home with me. I hate the feeling she gives me. It makes me happy, but it brings me the most grief sometimes. It hurts to know she misses people, that her heart still has spaces waiting for people to come home. I hate the feeling I get, I hate that I am not giving her everything. I wonder if she knows I love her.
