It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I arrived back in SG on Saturday, and because I was still shaken about the news of the death of my friend's sister I met Beng to cry by the river. I just needed to be with someone I trust and let all the doubts and fears and feelings out. And I always loved the river. Water calms me. Unfortunately this Beng was so affected that he avoids MBS now; he changed his running route to avoid that place because it reminds him of the day I cried and the day I couldn't eat. This is the same boy who saw me at the ICU after my surgery and vowed never to see me when I'm ill because he doesn't want his "last memory" of me to be cui. He's full of nonsense and most of the things he says are illegal but I know he treasures me so <3 Had dinner with Aunty Marge and the boys and went out with Fred and chiobs on Sunday.
Sunday. I wasn't able to eat at all since Saturday meaning whatever I could put in my mouth I had to throw up almost immediately, and I knew my haemoglobin was low cos I felt the fatigue. I laid in bed during the afternoon and then I told the father to take me to the hospital because my doctor told me to go to the A&E if I ever threw up.
I'm so glad I cut the trip short and threw a tantrum so we got the early flight back. I was in bad shape. I got admitted and hospitalised for 8 days. They gave me 3 bags of blood and my diet was so painful. Those who came to see me at the hospital knew I was having it rough. They saw me when I was literally gasping for air, when I couldn't sleep because of the pain, when I threw up. But I was spoiled silly with so much love. Aunty Marge took half-day leave for a week just so she could see me at the hospital. She also spent two nights at the hospital, massaging my aching back. She literally stayed up both nights because I was uncomfortable, sat at the chair by my bedside, and watched to make sure I was okay. If that isn't love I don't know what is. I was mainly visited by cog and cogy and I love them so. As much as I complained about being bored and frustrated, they kept me well accompanied. My favourite faces from uni came too, and they made me laugh like no one else ever could. So much love for them I wonder if they ever realise how important they are to me. Especially F. Thank you for coming down at night, thank you for being here for me. And thanks to R for all the telegram stickers and the "there there" when I needed it.
I was in bad bad bad shape and for a week after I got discharged I stayed home to recuperate. Laid in bed all day watching bad tv shows. The day the mother finally let me out I got to see my mantous because they came to my kampung for dinner. And I thank God I got to go to church on Sunday. And today I met with my Beng, Heng, and Loke for our annual, albeit late, CNY steamboat. I love how we have no banned topics and we don't even treat Beng as a boy anymore. He knows more about our bra habits than our movie choices.
The cab stand was really really crowded so I grabbed a cab as usual. But this cab ride was not a usual one. Eeee sound so clickbait, like, I got into what I thought was an ordinary cab ride, but you would not guess what happened next!
The uncle was relatively pleasant to begin with. Then he started whistling a very old hymn. "We Bring The Sacrifice of Praise". I was thinking, should I talk to him? I would normally strike a conversation with a cab uncle/aunty but I was a little tired to talk. I decided to comment, uncle, you christian ah?
That's how it started. Turns out he's a pastor, and he knew my pastor! Uncle Neville. He recognised him when I told him I attend Church of God at Bedok. He was also a worship leader, and his son is a youth leader. We started talking a lot and he asked me about my school and why I decided to become a teacher. When I told him the main reason I wanted to be a teacher was because of my interaction with the girls in my youth group, he shared even more about himself and his son and his church. We were talking about very personal things, I felt, and then when we were near my house we passed NUH. So I blurted, uncle, you pastor ah? Pray for me.
I started telling him about my medical condition. Nothing much, just the gist. 4th stage colorectal cancer, going into my second year, going back for chemo this time. And then he said to me, amazing, 4th stage and you are still living!
No one has said that to me before. Maybe because the ones who know are the ones I'm close to and really want me to be rid of cancer. They say things with a heavy heart like, you will be better, have faith, hang in there. I always thought I was in a bad state. I always thought that God will be praised when He heals me. Or I will live my life for God when He heals me. Or I will glorify Him when He heals me. But the fact is, and the uncle said, God is sustaining [me] right now.
Which is absolutely true! The fact is, 2 weeks ago I was in bed writhing in pain and today I am in town. The fact is, I've already started on chemo and I am still able to go out and meet my friends. The fact is, I am a 4th stage cancer patient and I just had steamboat with my poly mates. And I have all my hair. He is already sustaining me, already sustaining my life. The fact that I am living now and actually living and not lying in bed all day like a vegetable shows that He is already giving me a second chance at life!
The uncle reminded me to praise God and to live purposefully for Him, because He must be sustaining me for a reason right now. He also gave me worship advice and said I should choose songs that is God-focused and not people-centered. I shouldn't have to wait until remission comes, it will come, in His time. I shouldn't have to wait until I have no cancer cells in my body. I shouldn't wait until the scans are clear. I should be praising Him and living for Him right now because this is the time He has given to me.
After he settled grabpay he proceeded to pray for me and I was x10 comforted. In his prayer, and from our conversation, he told God that my heart's desire is to help the young and that He would prolong my life so I can fulfil this desire. Yes, prolong my life. I am not done and I hope You aren't done with me yet. Thanks to the grabapp I got to save his name. Andrew Tan. Gosh this sounds like some christian ad for grabtaxi.
Thank God for sustaining my life. Everyone in church keeps telling me I don't look sick, I look well, I look good. And you know what, thank God for that. I will always remember finding out my haemoglobin level was a 2.7 when I first got admitted. This time I got a 4.9 and they were panicking, further reminding me of how long God has been watching over me and sustaining me.
Thank You God for giving me life now. Every day. More specifically, I'm so glad I get to sleep in my own bed every night. Thank You God.
We bring the sacrifice of praise
Into the house of the Lord
We bring the sacrifice of praise
Into the house of the Lord
And we offer up to You
The sacrifices of thanksgiving
And we offer up to You
The sacrifices of joy