Are you happy? No, not quite. Are you unhappy? No, that's not it. There are things to be happy about, and things to be sad about. If the natural state of being is when you are alone in the quiet, then I can only describe what I feel as a sort of solemn gladness, a happy sadness. It's constant, it finds me in the quiet when the hype of caffeine and friends goes to rest with the setting sun. It finds me in the emptiness when all the tears have run dry. My heart is heavy, always heavy. Coming home to a poisonous lake I've been so used to my skin has grown stiff. I'd go on about home, or this residence, but it saps all energy and I don't think I want to put myself through that, at least not now. Sometimes my steps are light, and I think about all the possibilities, about all that I've been given and I can achieve. I think about living till I'm 80 and all the joy that fills/will fill my heart. But when I come back, to this residence, it makes me want to die. It makes life seem meaningless, painful, a cycle of fights, anxiety, insecurity.
No one truly belongs in one place, or to one person, so I've been told. I am no different, so I've been told. I feel scattered all across the place, for that I am thankful but I also weep. I am glad to have people every where, to have shelters in many hearts. But being scattered every where, having pieces of yourself in different people, I never feel whole, or complete, or home. The brother tells me that no one is ever complete. We give parts of ourselves to people and sometimes they don't return a piece of themselves to us. And we do the same to others. I have been very much guilty of that.
What is it like to feel safe. Is it a state of complete control? Or the absence of troubles? I always held on to the belief that it comes from within, to feel at peace in the midst of chaos. But now I'm struggling to live the life I've been so convicted of before.
There are gaps, cracks, loopholes every where. Mid sentence in a conversation with a friend, when I'm ahead or falling behind when walking with company, in the middle of a movie. I fall in these gaps and plunge into extreme sadness. My highs are high and my lows are incredibly low.
Sometimes I feel like being nothing. Having no one, being nobody, doing nothing. How free must it be to have no strings attached to you, to not play marionette, to not love nor be loved, not hurt nor be hurt. I often become impulsive and sell/give away my items because I always wanted to be able to pack up and leave, to live from my suitcase. To have nothing weigh me down.
Connectivity and community are apparently essential. But they are extremely heavy and tiring. I still believe in connectivity and community, but not like this. Not where people become rivals, where they compete for everything, where they constantly try to one-up each other. Not where people hurt each other so deeply, in a way that only people who love each other can. Not where wanting to disappear and find yourself causes so much anxiety because think of all the people you leave behind, think of all those who care for you, think of all who will be hurt by your absence. But think of all the people you hurt by your presence.
I believe in community as how strangers show random acts of kindness, how you help others as you have been helped before, how there is a cycle of giving and receiving.
I don't believe in community as in accountability. Not at this stage of my life. To be responsible by taking care of yourself for the sake of others. I really cannot understand this.
I am a creation apart from my mother, my father, my sister, my friends. I am my own being and no one suffers or rejoices the way I can. I am a soul and in death I will be alone, just as I have been born. I answer to myself and my creator.
But what does my creator want. From me. For me.
I am lonely, at the same time extremely frustrated by company. It's a kind of loneliness I know only God can answer. Sometimes I breakdown in the middle of a train ride home, or in a store, and I throw a pity party for myself. How myopic. Cure me. Help me to see. Give me perspective.
Everything seems meaningless. Then again, how can you find meaning when you want to live by yourself and for yourself? We find purpose through interaction. Through others.
R says I need to find a balance.
Go where find? Giant have?