If you want to understand me, it's really easy.
Twitter has become my empty outlet.
Strange, since my timeline is always being flooded and there are people on there,
but it's empty.
I was watching Easy A when Mr Griffith said, "I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought."
I laughed because I think I am obsessed with documenting my every thought, though I delete most at times. Well I think there are a lot more conversations in my head than in real life, and my other conscience gives me better attention that most out there.
- If I get to 60 will you let me slip away into an armchair for the rest of my days? The love that we shared was for another time. #slowclub
(When I thought of the times I chickened out of experiencing love. Because it is foreign, and I don't know how.) - I spent the weekend deciding if I should give up, and with no time left it seems I already have.
(Spent the weekend contemplating if I should give up on school, if I should give up on myself since nobody really gives a damn anymore. Very dramatic, all induced by sad British dramas. I realised no matter how old you are, you will always question your worth in other's eyes, even though you know it's really not important.) - We're constantly graded on how well we can express our feelings, through whichever mediums. So where does that leave us, those who can't put our thoughts into words, music, film, picture, paintings. In the cave of our minds.
(When I got frustrated with the fact that I had a ton of crazy emotions in me yet I am faced with a painfully mediocre version of me when it came to Bookpub class.) - His goal in life was to be an echo. Riding alone, town after town, toll after toll. #Wilco
(When Wilco cheered me up a little, making something so lonely sound so lovely) - "You've been in the house too long" she said, and I (naturally) fled. I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now. #TheSmiths
(The afternoon where The Smiths really hit me hard.) - "You can't hold on to anything, nor can you control anything. The earlier you realise you're insignificant, the better."
(I usually put quotation marks for lyrics and quotes, but most of the time I put them in so that my followers will assume they are other people's quotes and not look at me as if I'm a nutcase.) - "Can I get permission to weep? Permission to mourn? Permission to feel for once that not every thing goes like a damn hallmark card."
(I used 'damn' when I'm frustrated. This was when I got mad for feeling guilty to feel angry. The internal battle within me, whether to let my emotions go and just feel for once, or to maintain the strong, independent front. Because I know that once I let my emotions rule over my mind, I would take a while to stabalise myself again.) - Everything's so fragile. You could break everything in an instant but it takes forever, maybe never, to mend the pieces back together.
(When I ached because it took so many years to build trust in this place again, and yet one speculation brought the walls down.) - You can have bad days, you can be sad, but when you get comfortable with sadness, it's difficult to find joy again. Don't get comfortable.
(I hesitated typing the last sentence. I was comfortable. I am comfortable. I already am comfortable with sadness though I know this should not be the case, and I'm struggling to find joy again.) - "You know how you have a dream where you do something crazy, something you've always wanted to but later regret? Sometimes it's getting a massive haircut, sometimes it's rebelling or running away from home, sometimes it's cheating. Then you wake up and you realise it wasn't real, you go back to sleep, happy you're safe? I'm dreaming now, but I'm not asleep. And I know if I act out, I won't wake up in bed, under my sheets, all happy and safe. If I act out, there's no turning back."
(When I contemplated leading a different life, a dark one where I would feel happy, though momentarily, but at least I would feel happy for once. I dreamt that I cut my hair and regretted it so much. I woke up and realised it was a dream, and I was relieved it was not real. I went back to sleep. If I acted out, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. If I carried out what I actually wanted to, I might not even wake up.) - "There's no more space, no more time to gamble. I'm already at the edge. Are you going to save me, or am I just not worth it anymore?"
(When I realised she doesn't care if I live or die anymore and I wanted so much to disappear from her life. I mean, she doesn't care. So why am I still here?) - "I screamed for your attention and you decided to play deaf, so now we can play mute to see how strong silence can be."
(You started a cold war, so now we see how long it can last and how much damage it can cause. I already waved my white flag, but you refused to look at it. You refused. - "As much as I'd like to hit rock bottom, responsibilities and what's left of my moral fibre are pumping through my veins refusing to let me."
(When I really wanted to ditch everything and not give a heck, but realised I still have group projects to participate in, camp to plan, outings to schedule, films to organise. I guess I never was the kind to just skip out and lead the life I want.)
"Have you ever imagined what your suicide note would look like? Or how you would lead your life if you had a choice? Or what it would look like when you finally step out and leave for good? I've been doing that since I was 7. Planned my escape, planned my notes, wrote my notes and tossed it cos I felt so silly in the morning. I know it all gets better later, but this is now. And now really hurts."
Although people like to retweet sad posts, no one really takes the time to understand what it's about. No one really wants to understand. It's very easy to scroll through life without ever noticing the people around you. If you have taken the time to read this post, congratulations for being the only one who bothers to come by, and thank you for your time.
Sorry for this depressing post.
I am allowed to feel shitty, right?