Of all times, I chose the busiest academic couple of weeks to confront my demons and settle some issues. It hurts a lot. And I was just wondering where the hurt stems from. Is it pride? Is it merely disappointments or is the pain directly coming from the breakdown of my pride? To admit that I didn't know any better, and that I completely lost control of my life for a moment, that any kind of problem hit me like a wave crashing onto the rocks on shore. This also came from bad advice. "Follow your gut". Well, our instincts are terrible sometimes. This is why we have the ability to rationalise. I grew exhausted, carrying so much on my shoulders and leaving little to God. It was pride that had me going, "no, I can settle this on my own". Pride that put God in the backseat while I tried to resolve issues the only way I knew how. Last night I prayed for something that never crossed my mind: courage. I always asked for patience, for change, but I forget that without courage, nothing would be done. Courage to do the right thing and the strength to persevere and face the consequences. Last night I had courage. This morning I'm begging for strength. That my mind would shut off and so that I might finally concentrate on my studies. A lot of times, the difficult thing is not about choosing to do the right thing. It's waking up the next morning and not regretting your decision. It's going through the next few weeks remembering why you did what you did. The most difficult thing is to keep away from relapsing. And through our own strength, it is impossible. But with God, all things are possible. And the morning after, when I really felt broken and torn into shreds of a human being, Livia reminded me that God's power is made perfect in our weakness. And that's the hope we have. That no matter how disobedient we are, no matter how far we stray, God is always here to pick up the pieces for us if we let Him. We can cover ourselves with figs and leaves as Adam and Eve did after disobeying God and realising their nakedness, or we can bring it all to God and ask Him to help us. Humans are strange creatures. And God is amazingly gracious and merciful.
We always talk about putting God first. Before work, before school, before the world. But most times the biggest thing that stands in the way of giving God the priority is our selves. When we care more about ourselves and our own desires and neglect God's voice, we just know we're going to spiral out of control. And who is there to comfort us again? Our heavenly Father. Sometimes we behave like little kids. I can think of all the theories to make sense of the past month, I have, actually. But no words can prepare you for the kind of pain you have to go through. No words can ever sooth your soul again. No words can rewind time or fast forward through the pain.
All we can do now is allow God to take over. To pick up the pieces. To move forward.
Fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith.
In the line of eternity, what is this?