It's 7 in the morning now. I'm layered up in the kitchen sniffing away, forcing cereal down my throat so that I can take some painkillers without vomiting. It's been a terrible night. Fell right asleep at 10 but I woke up three hours later only to curl into a fetal position and try desperately to fall asleep. Have you tried falling asleep? When you become so conscious of it, you never really get to sleep. My back is killing me so I thought I'd sit at the kitchen counter for a change. My abdomen gets these really sharp awful pains and I try to feel better by hugging all the cushions I can find. But it still hurts. And it sucks. I'm really afraid of taking painkillers as and when the pain comes because the last time I took it without food, I vomited twice. In public. What a nuisance I am. I miss my bed, sometimes I think I can only get a good night's rest in my own bed. I miss my solitude, never needing to fake interest in conversations or always be ON just for the people around me. I miss home, basically. In so much pain and all I want is to be under my own quilt in my big soft bed.
Went to the oncologist yesterday and he read through my reports and examined me. He applied pressure on my stomach and it hurt like a mother. He said I'd have to go for a scan and a colonoscopy to see if I needed another surgery or I could just do with the treatment I'm getting. First of all, my doctor in SG warned against a colonoscopy because my guts were very intricately sewed back together after my first op. Remember when I was freaking out about the possibility of a stoma? I am not going to risk that. Second of all, in no universe am I getting an op done here. In Mexico. My scan is on Thursday and results come out on Friday. I really hope the treatment is working and I can be sent packing soon. I miss the comfort of familiarity.