"At some point, then, I began to do a little bargaining - or not exactly bargaining. More like: "God, I have read Job, and I don't understand it, but if this is a test of faith, you now realize my faith is fairly weak, and probably leaving the spicy mustard off the pastrami sandwich would have also tested it? You didn't have to go nuclear on me, you know..." And now, finally, maybe I had arrived at denial. Maybe total denial. Maybe, in the absence of any certainty, we should just assume that we're going to live a long time. Maybe that's the only way forward."
- Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air
Everyone talks about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What we read in books and see in the movies is that this is a linear process, and once you reach acceptance you flip the last page and the end credits begin to roll. But it isn't a straight path. I can feel all five stages in the span of five months; I can feel it in the span of five hours. You can start your day good, accepting it, and then become depressed when you can't stomach your meals even though you are really hungry, then you go into anger when you feel the pain that comes after.
Today I think I'm bargaining. It's hard to believe in a God you can't hear or understand. But it's also very easy to believe in God when most of the stories in the bible have the same underlying theme and you know that existentially, in life and death He is with us and our soul in Him and that should be the overwhelming comfort. It's hard to hear from a God you don't want to talk to because you're either lazy or angry or tired. But it's also easy to hear from Him when you know all you have to do is turn back in humility.
Sometimes I think all of this is a game. You reach an obstacle, you figure out what you have to overcome, and then you level up. It's like when Jacob wrestled with the man all till daybreak and tells him, "I will not let you go unless you bless me". Then the man said "you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome". Or when Job struggled and suffered for decades even though he was "blameless and upright", only to realise his sin was having false accusations against God, being impatient and disrespectful towards God in His suffering. It is as if we all have to hit an epiphany about God or faith or ourselves in relation to God before He will release us from our suffering.
But sometimes I think that's a really bad way of looking at God and how He works. Somewhere in my faith I believe that it's not about tolerating the suffering until God finally releases us, but seeing Him and growing more in love and dependent on Him through the suffering. I always say and I still believe that it is only in times of suffering do we see God's blessing so much more. Like the amount of love and support I've been receiving from all my friends and the folks at church. I remember telling Johann I'd quit alcohol if God healed me, like a trade. And he just told me, God doesn't work like that. I also thought it was okay to be angry at God and everyone around me, to feel like He is being unfair towards me, and I thought it was okay as long as I still believed in Him.
What does that even mean to me now, to believe in Him? How can I believe while being impatient in my suffering. How can I say I have faith when I lash out every now and then and even argue with Him. How can I say I trust Him when I keep playing all the different scenarios of how my life would end in my head. Where is my faith?
I believe whether I die in three months or three years or three decades, He is my constant and He will be here as He always has been. But when you're going through physical pain you can't help but question, when will this all end? Have I not suffered enough? Do you really have to put me through all of this?
Am I supposed to let go of anger before He will heal me? Does He really work that way? Couldn't there be other ways to deal with me? Besides, I'm not the only one who is dealing with unforgiveness and anger, and I wasn't the one who caused everyone to grow up so unhappy in this toxic environment, so why me?
After a little over a year, I've finally reached the stage everyone begins with: why me?
But I know I will answer this question myself as I have with many people who ask the same. Why not. Really, why not. And even though most of the time I feel like giving myself a free pass to act out and be selfish, I know that I should really be using this time for something more productive and fruitful, something that would matter, something that would be significant in His kingdom.
I just want to know, how long more do I have to go through this? Or do I have to understand this the way we understand why we don't know when the second coming of Christ would be? So that I'd always be on my toes and be guarded, always prepared? Is it because I might get complacent and fall back into indifference. Is this the only way to keep me alert?
God is God. And amidst the suffering I sometimes reduce Him to nothing more than a wish-granting genie, or a father who won't give me what I want, or a disciplinarian. He is more, He is all, and I should probably speak less and listen more.
What does that even mean to me now, to believe in Him? How can I believe while being impatient in my suffering. How can I say I have faith when I lash out every now and then and even argue with Him. How can I say I trust Him when I keep playing all the different scenarios of how my life would end in my head. Where is my faith?
I believe whether I die in three months or three years or three decades, He is my constant and He will be here as He always has been. But when you're going through physical pain you can't help but question, when will this all end? Have I not suffered enough? Do you really have to put me through all of this?
Am I supposed to let go of anger before He will heal me? Does He really work that way? Couldn't there be other ways to deal with me? Besides, I'm not the only one who is dealing with unforgiveness and anger, and I wasn't the one who caused everyone to grow up so unhappy in this toxic environment, so why me?
After a little over a year, I've finally reached the stage everyone begins with: why me?
But I know I will answer this question myself as I have with many people who ask the same. Why not. Really, why not. And even though most of the time I feel like giving myself a free pass to act out and be selfish, I know that I should really be using this time for something more productive and fruitful, something that would matter, something that would be significant in His kingdom.
I just want to know, how long more do I have to go through this? Or do I have to understand this the way we understand why we don't know when the second coming of Christ would be? So that I'd always be on my toes and be guarded, always prepared? Is it because I might get complacent and fall back into indifference. Is this the only way to keep me alert?
God is God. And amidst the suffering I sometimes reduce Him to nothing more than a wish-granting genie, or a father who won't give me what I want, or a disciplinarian. He is more, He is all, and I should probably speak less and listen more.