I just learnt that a sister of a friend had just passed away. She was 21. She had cancer. I can't imagine what she must be going through right now, but the news hit me hard. She passed away after fighting it for 3 years. That's what my doctors gave me as well. 3 years. I'm in my second year now, and I wonder how long more I have.
Words cannot sum up how difficult these five weeks have been for me. Not because of the treatment, but because I was trapped in a foreign place with the one I loathe the most. As my friend wrote kind words about how she and her sister were very lucky to have had such great parents, I cannot say the same. If I had 2 years left to live, I wouldn't want to spend it with her. Not at all. She brings me so much pain and bitterness, and I don't want to live my last years like that; I don't want to spend anymore time with the woman I hate the most in the world.
I emailed my oncologist before I came back because that's the kind of person I am. I tutor while I'm on chemo because I can't depend on anyone for financial aid, I take exams while on chemo because I must complete my education so I can start working and pay my own living expenses and get a place all to myself. I plan and I guide myself because she has proven to be incompetent, unreliable, and mentally unstable all 23 years of my existence. She told the doctors in Mexico how she would arrange for me to meet the best oncologists in Singapore, I knew that wasn't going to happen because the last time she said that I had to book my own appointment. She said she would bring me to see Chinese doctors, I knew that wasn't going to happen because the first things on her mind right now are giving out the presents she so lavishly splurged on for others. Her brothers gave her a huge sum of money, easily two months' worth of anybody's salary. She splurged on others in Mexico, and bought so many gifts for those back in Singapore, yet every night I would hear her complain that I am draining her of her money, that she is poor, that she is broke. She would spend hundreds on others yet she wouldn't spend a hundred when my luggage went over the limit. Let the record show I haven't taken a single cent from her during this trip, haven't been taking since I was 16, or 19 seeing how she technically paid for my poly education. She's constantly telling others that I'm making her poor. Firstly, insurance covers almost everything on my side, I pay for my own scans and medicine, so I don't know what the fuck she is complaining about.
Because she went crazy shopping (she even continued to shop the whole day after I threw up twice in public), she came back with two huge luggages. I would have helped her, but then I remembered how she abandoned me in China. I was barely 12. A man grabbed my luggage and took it down the stairs. I never let go of my bag but I was dragged along with him. At the foot of the stairs he demanded money. I was 12! I looked to her, and she gave me the stink eye and walked away. My sister stood by me, grabbed my bag and my hand and pulled me away. The mother kept turning back to glare at me with so much hatred in her eyes and she rushed off as if she wasn't associated with me at all. So no. I won't carry any of her bags.
She is so dependent and paranoid and afraid of everything. Always afraid someone would rape her or rob her, always racist and prejudice against others. At the airport she didn't know how to find the departure halls, or how to find our gates, or how to check our flights. Whenever I tested her and asked her which gate was ours, she'd yell at me YOU KNOW WHAT, I FOLLOW YOU LOR! YOU GO YOU GO YOU KNOW YOU KNOW. At San Diego, I thought I finally had some space and peace to myself, but she wouldn't leave me alone. She was afraid of staying in the hotel room by herself, afraid of going anywhere herself. So she tagged along with me. She wanted to go shopping. I wanted to walk by the sea. So I had to give that up because she didn't know where to go. She demanded I ask the concierge for directions because she was afraid to talk to them. After he explained the directions to us twice, we left. It was only halfway through that I realise she didn't pay attention at all. I asked her do you know where to turn? where to go? Again she yelled HOW I KNOW! YOU WERE THE ONE TAKING INSTRUCTIONS!!! And she told people she didn't want me going off on my own for fear I get lost. I was the one who led us everywhere. I was the one who brought us back to the hotel because she refused to use the public restroom and screamed at me to bring her back to the hotel.
All I wanted after that was a nice dinner by myself, but she ran and caught up with me. Insisted on eating at this really expensive place, and then complained after. In Singapore I can barely spend five minutes with her without wanting to blow my head off. Can you imagine five weeks with her? Every time she threw a pity party and started to cry about how we always "abused" her, all I could think of was her calling me the devil's child when I was 6, her banging on my room door and screaming at me WRITE! WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL AS IF ANYTHING WOULD CHANGE. ONLY KNOW HOW TO CRY CRY CRY. When she says we abuse her, all I think of is her threatening to jump of the 19th floor of our then apartment, saying she would come back and haunt all of us. Her running away from home so many times and me chasing after her in tears because I was the youngest. Her having multiple affairs. Her accusing my dad of affairs which he never had. Her threatening to stop paying for my school fees. (This part of the reason why I'm in NIE). Her going berserk and her eyes turning completely black and scratching out her hair and screaming. Her throwing dishes in the middle of the night. For the longest time I locked my door because I often dreamt of her coming in to kill me. Everyone thinks she's so nice and gentle, but all I see is the same devil that ruined my life. When people congratulate her on raising us, on having my sister do her PhD, all we think of is we turned out fine despite your crazy.
If I had 2 more years to live. Why would I want to be bogged down and depressed by someone as toxic as that?
Anyway, I emailed my oncologist because that's what I always do. I plan for myself because no one ever took care of me and I learnt that early when I always went to the doctors by myself since I was 12. And the only reason I never went to the doctor's earlier was because whenever my sister and I fell sick, she would yell at us. It was always our fault. My doctor said that all the pain I'm experiencing now is "consistent with disease progression". He only stopped chemo because my nodes were still growing despite the medicine.
Disease progression.
I am dying.
And I don't want her at my deathbed.
And when she cries over my dead body,
I don't want her to get any sympathy.
Nobody knows how cruel she has been to us.
Only my sister knows. And God.
I am dying.
And maybe when the time comes and I fear death, I might forgive her.
But at this rate, in this state, I might die hating her.