East of Eden brings to surface so many things I never knew about myself. It's a beautiful book but it's really uncomfortable too, because it forces me to re-think everything I've been so sure of. About man, about sin, about love. The big events in the story aren't the ones that leave an impression. The little ones do. And sitting in a cafe reading this while waiting for the sub family to take me to dinner, I feel an overwhelming surge of sadness and it makes me want to cry. People always talk about how you have to put down a book sometimes to remind yourself to breathe. It gets a bit more embarrassing when you're so distraught and you try to not cry because you are in a public place.
I relate so much to Cal. Well as of page 500+ I do, because I don't know what he does after this. Feeling shit when shit happens and wallowing in guilt all the time. While the themes in the book are wildly discussed, I feel like guilt has been a topic left untouched. The only thing that separates Cal from Cathy, Charles from Cathy, the only thing that makes these "villains" different is that Cal and Charles felt the weight of their crimes. They felt the guilt and that made them human, that made Cathy a demon. As Cal's character develops I can't help but ache with him. He feels he deserves to carry the burden and that he is able to withstand pain only because the bad exists in him. Aron could never know the painful truth because he is too good and cannot accept pain. Unable to articulate his thoughts and to express his feelings, Cal craves and quietly enjoys the bonding times he shares with his dad, even when his dad thinks nothing of it. When Cal secretly sat by his father and have him pat him, I felt a weight upon my chest. The feeling is too familiar. All the times I sat at the dining table with sub families and watched them accept me as one of them. To them it was nothing, but to me, it triggered something from somewhere. I never knew I lacked anything until it was before my eyes. Steinbeck did a beautiful job describing how Cal felt. Struggling between having bad blood in you and craving love.
There's so much I could say about East of Eden, so much I could say about Cal. The thing that struck me most was how his hatred disappeared after spending time with his father and growing to love him more. He even stopped hating his mother, who shot his father and ran out on them to become a big time whorehouse boss. That's what love is supposed to do, isn't it? Drive out hatred? To be so immersed in love and so completely taken in by love and acceptance that everything seems trivial. When love overcomes hatred, that's where I long to be.
So much I could say about Lee too. About his take on man and how it is our choice that makes a difference. Doesn't matter if the bad is in our blood or that we are all born sinners. Because "Thou mayest". Thou mayest triumph over sin. Ultimately, our choices are the ones that bring us where we go. We shouldn't take the lazy path and choose the bad just because it is in our blood and we are inclined towards it. Because thou mayest.
I love East of Eden because it is so real and it has awakened so many things in me. About God, about guilt, about man's fall and sinful nature, about love. This book scares me sometimes because it feels like the writer is watching me and speaking to me. As I learn more about Cal's character it reveals so much about my own character. It's as if the author is watching me. Just like the bible, isn't it? The Author knows us and brings to surface things we never knew about ourselves. Man, there's so many revelations in this book. It's not good like 1984 good or emotional like Mysterious Skin emotional. It's just so intimate and real and an honest reflection of who we are in this world. It triggers something from somewhere. It triggers.
I don't know if this post makes sense at all, because you have to read the book to know the characters. I did a bad job at describing them but I really wish everyone would read this because it is one of the best books I've ever read.