Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:2-4
It's been a rough week. We all have trials to face, no matter big or small. Some problems blow over and are carried away by the passing wind while chronic issues contain themselves in bubbles, forever hovering above our heads, threatening to burst. These are the problems we never talk about because touching the surface of the bubble would mean allowing everything we've kept hidden to come back. And when they come back, they sting twice as much. On top of the problem itself, we deal with the guilt of unforgiveness, we wrestle with the fear of having our listening ear walk out on us, and half the time we spend telling someone about our problems we wonder if they actually understand us. It is always much easier to not talk about what we're facing. Sharing requires too much strength, strength that I no longer have. So that's exactly what I've been dealing with. When the anger is too much that hot tears start to flow, my phone is in my hand and I have nobody to call.
A friend once said that he stopped trying to tell people his problems because nobody really wants to listen. And he added, "why talk to people, who can't help your situation, when you can go to God directly and let Him fight your battles for you?" To that, I answered in my head because sometimes all you need is a hug. God isn't here in human form to lend me a shoulder or to hold my hand.
I'm starting to realise why it's been so difficult. When we struggle so much and we feel like our souls are actually dying, we have to ask ourselves: on whose strength are we relying on? I've been relying on my own strength for the longest time and each trial that hits me adds on another weight of guilt and burden on my back. Our mouths and minds can pray to surrender our unforgiveness and our struggles to God, but God sees the heart. And if in our hearts we refuse to let go of these problems, we're deluding ourselves into thinking we are all taken care of when really we're just containing the problems in the bubble.
God isn't a heartless God. He calls us His children, and Him, our Father. He isn't here in human form to give us a hug, but He has surrounded us with people who love us. The number of friends' parents who've taken me in to their families is astounding. They let me cook with them in the kitchen, sleep in their houses, celebrate family occasions with them. But every single time I'm with these families, I curl up into a ball on the inside and always feel like crying. If I stayed with them, I'd sit in the room and read while the family is outside because that's the only way I know how to be at home. To be alone. I've grown so comfortable in my solitude that sitting in the same room with parents and children together make me want to either run away or cry. And when friends care for me and try to find out what's really going on, I give them the answer that would make them go away in the shortest amount of time. God has given me so many people, so many outlets, so many shelters, but I always fail to accept. Even when I do accept in flesh, my heart is closed off. But I see this, I see the many families He has blessed me with. I just don't know how to respond to it yet.
So we are to consider it pure joy when facing trials. PURE JOY. Not even tahan the pain, it will blow over soon, but consider it pure joy. So that eventually, we may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. Before we can even consider our trials joy, we really have to surrender it all to God. He gives us comfort and rest and tangible blessings that we can enjoy, like the people around us. So allow Him to heal our hearts.
I don't even know how I'm going to do this, but I'm moving from strength to strength. Faith is a muscle you have to exercise, so is forgiveness. And you know what the most amazing thing is? God knows us more than we know ourselves, meaning He knows our stubborn hearts, our vengeful thoughts, our sinful ways, and yet He loves us. Christ died for all our sins. He died for our past sins, our present sins, and our future sins. It has all been paid for, our lives have been bought, and as dirty and filthy we might think we are, God still looks on us with compassion and mercy. It's time we stop looking at our sins and start focusing on God's goodness. If we remain inward-looking on how bad we are, we would die from guilt and completely miss out on the opportunity to know God. Spend the energy worshiping Him and thanking Him for everything, spend the energy growing closer to Him. There, we will find rest and comfort. When we spend our lives growing closer to God, in time our hearts would be aligned to His and our actions would reflect that and guilt wouldn't even be a factor in our lives anymore.
We shall go from strength to strength, choosing to let go of worry and pride, to let God fight our battles for us while we remain in His righteousness. We shall hope in the Lord and find joy in our trials, not to just wait for the silver lining. We shall rejoice in times of trouble because our God is a great God. Not just a God of justice, but a God of mercy, grace, and love.
If you feel like you are stuck in a rut with a hundred bubbles hovering above your head, talk to God about it and mean it from the heart. Surrender all your previous desires, your perception of justice, your perception of love, your perception of victory. Know that God is in control and you are more than fine.