I haven't been blogging as much as I used to, been so busy lately. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, being busy. I guess it's good because I haven't been spiralling into sadness as much. Haven't had sad days or sleepless nights. Things are light, things are moving, things seem to be all right. I'm tired of talking about chemo, or cancer, or dying or anything like that. I don't feel it, so I don't want to think about it. And even if I feel it, talking about it makes it worse. But so far I'm all good. I just become really really aggressive and grumpy on chemo days. But everything is good.
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with doing well in school. It's not just that I have to get As, As are a standard, anything below that I'll really kick myself. Not to say I don't feel happy when I get As, but I feel more relieved. Like, yes, I did it. But I really don't want any of this to go to waste. As much as I'd like to do my masters and study forever, I also genuinely enjoy learning. Where was this mindset when I was in poly lol. So keeping myself busy with school definitely makes me happier, I feel productive again, functional, normal. I'm not obsessed with school because I'm a Singaporean chiongster. But going to school is the normal thing to do, no disruptions, life is ordinary. The ordinary is really underrated. Every night I get to sleep in my own bed and not the hospital bed, I rejoice and am thankful, but there's also a little bit of fear that I would have to end up on a hospital bed one day. I really fear it. It's associated with the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. As of now, going to school, sleeping in my own bed, hanging out with the homies, all is good. All is well. I want school to go on forever, I want normalcy.