I revived this blog when I was diagnosed with fourth stage colorectal cancer during the recess week of my second year in university. I wanted a space to purge, but also to inform. I thought it would be nice to share my experiences, the surgery, the side effects, the thoughts... I thought I'd be helpful to someone somewhere. I think somewhere along the line I got really self-indulgent and shitty, I would apologise, but I guess if you want to understand the psyche of someone in my shoes, my embarrassing rants and emotional spirals are justified. Still, I know I haven't been dealing with this in the best way, I have been struggling with God, I haven't been a really good daughter, nor sister, nor youth leader, nor anything at all really. But I want to try, and I will. So forgive me, for how selfish I have been, or unhelpful I have been, or hurtful I have been, sorry.
Today I stumbled upon a website that was really useful, and was all the things I couldn't be. I remember someone saying that chemotherapy ain't all that helpful for patients with colorectal cancer, so I went to google. That's when I stumbled upon http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/. There's a lot of bullshit online about health bloggers who fake their illnesses and then claim they beat cancer, and I know it worries people when I tell them I want to quit chemo. To them, it's like saying I'm throwing in the towel, I will live my three years and die. That's not what I'm saying.
Maybe desperation has led me to become more open-minded, I'm taking the medicine concocted by my uncle's chemist friends, and the scan results are gonna come back tomorrow. I've decided, that if the scan shows all is getting better, I will quit chemotherapy. Because it's only the medicine that's helped, chemo has done squat. My scan from the previous test was really really sad. My parents were upset. I was, kind of expecting it actually. My whole church kind of went into grief mode. It's mad. But if tomorrow's scan show that all is well, it means that I can survive on the medicine. Not medicine alone, but changing what I eat and exercising more frequently. My results were good at the beginning of the year when I was running almost every day. Then I got lazy because of school, and if you count in the stress and the times I threw a bitch fit... I say the mother nags all the time, but she is right. I got to change the way I live.
But most importantly, I believe I'm ultimately in God's hands, whether on earth or after death, I have no fear. It's just, I'd like to live a little longer pretty please <: I don't think I'm ready to go.
I found out that chemotherapy is only 1.8% effective for colorectal cancer. How true this is, I'm not sure. Please don't take in everything you read, especially from this 22-year-old who lives and breathe social media, super not credible. But honestly, my scan results have shown that chemo really isn't effective. The only thing that moved my cancer marker was surgery. I went from a 20 to a 1. Right now I'm at a 14. Basically, big numbers, bad. Small numbers, good. I will update after tomorrow.
SO. This is why I want to quit chemotherapy, and why I think it's not worth it at all.
1. Trauma. I didn't even realise how psychologically damaging going through such a gruelling process is. It's a different kind of trauma from surgery. I am literally afraid of the smell of detergent, alcohol swipes, antiseptic, hand sanitisers, plasters, plastic, rubber, anything that reminds me of treatment. Every time I smell it I feel gao wei, I don't just feel my body reacting to it, but I feel incredibly fearful as well. And then with it comes the flashes of events, my mind is dragged back to the chair where they treat me. It's not the needles that hurt, nor the injections that sting, nor the fact that they can never find my veins. I'm okay with that, flesh wounds. But how the medicine makes me feel, I don't know how to describe it, and I usually have words for everything. I fear it so much.
2. Sleepless nights. One side effect of chemotherapy is sleeplessness. I wouldn't call it insomnia, because I don't know what that really feels like. When I don't sleep, my body can't heal. When I don't sleep, my thoughts go bad. When I don't sleep, I get mad at the world and I keep hurting those around me. I hate sleeping when I'm on chemo because I can smell the alcohol and my machine keeps beeping every now and then, it also is super inconvenient sleeping with a machine under your shirt.
3. Emotional battlefield. My mood plummets when chemo draws near, it gets x10 bad when I bring the pump home. I snap at my folks so easily and I wonder why they can't understand me and give in to me. Basically, I become even brattier than I already am, and I hurt them time and time again. And every time I get mad, my cancer cells rejoice, so does the devil. (I can't talk about my life without bringing in the devil and God, it just is) This family is already difficult. Me being an ass doesn't help.
4. I'm wasting precious time. I realise many of my friends still don't know this, how chemo works for me. So I "check in" to the hospital 2 hours before consultation to get my blood taken and tested. Then I go for consultation. Then I wait another 2 hours while they prepare the drugs before I get a chair. They put me on drip, give me drugs orally and via injection (I feel my pain tolerance increasing with every jab, but it still hurts like a). I concuss, wake up almost 5 hours later, wait until the drip is done (there's like, 4 different bags with different drugs and functions). Then they put one bag into my pump (a machine that acts like a drip and gives me the juice at a steady pace when I'm home), I wait another 30-40 minutes, then I go home. I usually reach the hospital at 8.30am and leave at 7.30pm if I'm lucky. This whole time I can't eat or drink if not I will confirm plus chop vomit immediately. I go home and try to sleep. I spend Friday either in school for Cultural Studies, or at home binging on TV or studying. Since exams are over, I will definitely sloth mode. On Saturday I go to the hospital at 5pm to get my pump removed. I hate this part almost as much as the first day because I have to return to the hospital and smell all the things again, and it makes me nauseated.
So I am robbed of 3 days every alternate week. But that's not all. I get these awful body aches that suck the life out of me and it robs even more days. During this time, I lose time for the ones I care about, I lose time to study, I lose time in church cos some Sundays I feel so awful, and I lose time to exercise. It sucks because while I suffer the side effects, I could have used that time to eat well and exercise and do something that benefits my body. And the worst thing is, I almost never have time to be well enough to visit ahma.
5. It destroys my ovaries. Like. All of it. On one hand it's like, YAY no more periods for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I'd like the option of birthing kids. Although I'm almost certain I would never wanna risk passing this on to another human being. Also, the long term effects is some messed up hormones and having to take hormone pills. So no no no no nochemo.
5. It destroys my ovaries. Like. All of it. On one hand it's like, YAY no more periods for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I'd like the option of birthing kids. Although I'm almost certain I would never wanna risk passing this on to another human being. Also, the long term effects is some messed up hormones and having to take hormone pills. So no no no no nochemo.
6. IT HURTS. PHYSICALLY.
So. Even though my friends don't want me to quit chemo, I hope you understand I'm not quitting because I'm giving up. I'm quitting because I want to take charge. I'm quitting because it's not effective nor productive. I'm quitting because I know there is something better.
Reading success stories of people beating cancer has been really uplifting. The guy I'm reading about on that site above had stage 3 colorectal cancer. It's important to note that every cancer is different, every chemotherapy treatment is different, and people react to the two in their own very specific ways. So if you happen to be a stranger reading my blog and you know someone or you are going through chemotherapy, don't quit it based on this at all.
I wanted to quit two cycles ago because I felt the doctor would let me off on the basis that I had a test in school (but actually I wanted to go for my Murakami play on saturday lol). But I didn't because the doctor was convincing and I was accommodating. But the mothelorde is coming with me tomorrow and she supports my decision. And nobody says "No" to that woman.
IN OTHER NEWS,
my friends say I've become a much more positive person, so yay +1.
Thanks for all your support, when I turn 26 I'm gonna do something to mark the doctor's 3-year warning and my God's "NOPE!"