This is Matt expressing how I feel right now.
I feel stuck. I know I need to do something, but I don't know what it is. Running in circles, trying to slap myself awake, but I still end up running in circles. I have this set of things in my head I know I should do, a set of ideals. The ideal relationships with people in my life, the ideal daily schedule, the ideal sequence of events... everything needs to be in order. & when I can't control these things, I focus on the things I can control. I pack my room, throw out my clothes to pack them back neatly again, arrange my CDs in alphabetical order, shift around the bed and TV only to have them back at the same place. But everything else is still not in order. & I need to let it go. I want so much control and when things don't work out I freak out. Let go, let God. But I still feel frustrated that things aren't the way I'd like them to be. I am not the person I wish I could be. I guess the problem isn't relationships or schedules or work or lifestyles, but I just am disappointed with myself. Seems like I never try hard enough for anything. I always have this sudden rush of adrenaline and I work at whatever it is I want. Then after a while I lose interest, lose discipline and I give up. Perhaps when I work at things like cleaning my room and arranging my books and CDs, there's an end-point. There's so much I can do and then the task will be complete. A to Z, pack sweaters, cardigans, shirts. There's an end-point that I can see and when I finish it I feel accomplished. But when it's life... there's no end-point. It's hard work, keeping the promises I make, keeping the commitments, and I just get tired after a while.
Oh well. I guess I'm afraid to commit because I'm afraid of giving up. So I give up before I even begin. Just like IBP. HYPE didn't turn out the way I wish it would, and until now I'm so disappointed with myself.
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At least one thing in my life seems to be going somewhere for now. Planning COGY camp and thank God everything's going on smoothly now! Even invited a speaker, thanks to Jolene. This is one thing I want to complete properly. Not by my own strength but with God.