Who sees my angry tears? Who sees when I'm at the back of the car or in my room, fighting hot tears because I don't like to cry when I'm not sad or happy, when I hate to cry out of anger? Who sees these angry tears when I'm wrongly accused of something, when I get pushed around like an emotional punching bag, when I'm the last one at the chain of this angry web formed by people who are older, therefore always right? Who wipes these eyes that have seen too much? That from a young age, witnessed the cruelty of adulthood, and understood that innocence and love is much harder to keep? These eyes that have gotten sick so often, and have learnt to watch people storm out the door, to watch people attempt to jump from the 19th floor? Who cares to hear what I hear? No word of love, but of malice and disgusting vulgarities? That the only thing spoken with love in here is for the love of self, and the love of money? Why can we never shut our ears? We can choose not to see, not to speak, but never not to hear. Who sees my broken heart? That was never touched nor loved, nor ever felt warm in a house too cold? My broken heart that had always looked outside the window for a mould to fit, to fill the void? My heart that is whole when outside this house, and broken whenever I'm back again, which is every single night?
God. God sees, He hears, He knows. He looks on me with love, and I imagine Him shaking His head, wondering why I let little things tear me apart. I imagine Him looking at my future and smiling at me now, reassuring me that He is with me throughout the ages and nothing can ever take that away. No heartache, no pain, no problem is big enough to separate us. God is here, loving and caring for me even when I feel nothing.
God sees everything. God sees everything.
He sees my childish eyes, rolling and glaring, hoping to shoot daggers out of them to hurt someone else. He hears the words I utter, and the words I keep in my heart. He knows every vulgarity I've thought and kept in my mind when the anger gets too much. He sees my angry heart, my unforgiving heart, my selfish and self-conceited heart. He sees my pride and how it destroys me every time I refuse to be humble and gentle. He sees all the things I do to spite the ones I'm angry with. He hears the cries of those I have hurt. He sees how I only think about myself and wish things were easier for me. He sees how I do nothing to help those around me, but wallow in self-pity and anger. He sees my small faith that wavers every time the house crumbles. He sees my forgetful mind. He sees how I forget all that He has done and how I let small matters break down the character that He had built in me. He sees my unrepentant heart.
When I look at myself through my own eyes, and when I tell people the stories so that they understand, I tell it through my point of view. I see my life through my own eyes and I pity myself. I feel like they owe me something for all this pain. But if I care to wonder how God sees me, I'll see so much more. And as bad as it makes me feel about myself, I shouldn't consider myself at all. Because despite all this, the good and the bad parts, the parts of me worth pitying and the parts worth condemning me, God loves me. He sees every part of me and still He loves me. And if He could love a sinner like me, why can't I let my pride go and love them too? After all, they are also His children whom He loves so much. I am no more a child of God than they are. And if we truly are one body, then we shouldn't be hurting each other at all. Pride never builds up a person, it destroys. Being humble doesn't mean you lose, it shows that you have learnt what is important, and you have gained.