Discomfort.
Forced to give up
my freedom
my independence
my comfort in isolation
to be watched constantly
to be treated so fragile
to be treated like I'm weak
It is so difficult
to allow others to take care of you
when you've never known
what that means
and you've never experienced
care, security, safety
how can you hold on to a safety blanket
when it catches fire all the time?
This is the lesson I never asked to learn. I asked to learn to love, to learn to be patient, to learn to forgive. I thought I was on the right track. But this, I'm struggling to accept this. To surrender completely. I'm not talking about faith, nor am I talking about accepting this illness. It's accepting help, learning to trust, being patient while trusting. It's losing my independence and depending on others. It's letting people take care of me. It's. So. Damn. Difficult.
All my life, if I wanted things done right, I'd do it myself. I take control over my things and I know exactly how things are and how they should be. Which is why you should be able to understand the insane amount of frustration I get when I am forced to let other people "take care of my business" and I watch them screw up. I get it. It's new to them too, "taking care of a sick person", whatever that means because I feel fine. I get it. They're just worried and panicky. I get it. They don't know me so they don't know how to handle situations like these.
But it gets really really frustrating when I can take care of things, I actually have the ability to take care of things and get them done right, but I am forced to relinquish this power and watch the people taking over screw everything up. I cannot deal with weakness. I cannot deal with passiveness. I cannot deal with unproductiveness. Everyone keeps telling me that this is my time to take a chill pill and allow others to take care of me. That I should relax and not worry about anything. That it is my time to rest. But I cannot sit back and watch this chaos.
Maybe as treatment progresses I might have to depend on them for dear life. Maybe I'll get too weak to complain. Maybe I'll be so unaware that I'll let them take over.
But now, it is too difficult to give that up. I feel like shaking them awake, telling them to CHILL OUT, DO SOMETHING HELPFUL, STOP BEING SO WEAK. But I can't possibly do that, can I? I don't feel safe putting my life in the hands of another human being. Especially one who is so weak and fragile and emotionally unstable. But THIS is the lesson I have to learn, right?
God, help me.
God, forgive me.