This week has been an administrative week. I thank God that I was strangely prepared for the news and everything else that has happened so far (I'll probably elaborate on that another time), that I took the news far better than anyone else I know. But it's the others. The reactors. The other droplets in the same ocean that this ripple has its effect on. I guess when it doesn't happen to you, you are afraid of what the person is thinking/feeling and you don't know how to react, so you use the softest approach you know. Unfortunately, that pisses me off very badly. I can understand why people do that, but I hate that being done to me. No, adults, I'm not "acting strong" or "putting a brave front", I just don't receive the news the way you do.
So during administrative week, which is week zero, the week I found out about the cancer, I settled my exam arrangements, called the profs, made appointments with sub-dean (whom I'm sure hates me after all the noise I made about transferring from Geog to Literature, thank God I'm in Literature now), broke the news to some people, had loads of visitors, and learnt the impact of having someone know you well enough.
I spent the whole week with different groups of visitors.
1. My poly mates, the ones who've known me forever.
2. COGY, and within them a couple of the closest friends I have.
3. COGY parentship, whom I love with all my heart.
4. COG adults.
5. Relatives.
If I had to summarise, you are confident that a person knows you when you see the world the same way, you trust them with your books/coffee/food orders without giving them a list, you know you can bother them at 1 in the morning when you cannot sleep.
It is so easy to talk to people who know you. They get your point of view when you tell it to them once, they react accordingly. It's the relatives, man, the relatives, who baby you and talk to you like you are a little bunny rabbit. I understand it's because they're the ones who literally watch me grow up since I was a baby, and like all parents say "you'll always be like a baby to me", it's like watching a baby get struck by a terrible illness. But I hope they will start to see things from my point of view, that I do not need their pity eyes. Not because I am being stubborn, but I really don't need it.
But they do. People need to deal with news like these the way they do. So even though I completely detest the way the adults are dealing with this news and it's making this time more difficult than ever, I realise it is for their release. They have to say those words and they have to look at me like that to make themselves feel better, to comfort themselves. So let them. Let them deal with it the way they want. When something like this happens to you, you're not the only one affected. And people have to cope too. So let them. Even as I type this I'm trying to convince myself to let them.
I am glad when COG adults who come and visit me tell me how relieved they are when they see how I am doing. They admit that they were worried about how to react, didn't know what to say, but when they saw me, they knew. And these COG adults readily understand and accept the God perspective, which puts the whole "Why does God let bad things happen" to rest.
1) Why her? 2) God this is not Your will 3) Why do good things happen to bad people. I'll probably spend another post on these questions because it's come up a lot, and the thing is, these questions never crossed my mind because in youth and in CG and from the pews, you learn the answers to things like these already. So, just apply. No problem there. The God you learn about in Church and the God that you talk to and pray to and the God who delivered you time and time again, is still the same God here and now.
COGY parentship has been so extremely helpful and encouraging. They are so sweet, so compassionate, so readily available not just for me but the parentship as well. I feel very safe knowing they're looking out for my parentship and they're involved in this because they are so stable and their faith so anchored. And I could never be more grateful for them. The Father Oh just came to drop me chicken soup so I can have something nutritious while I study, and the Ohs live in the EAST. (It's 10pm and my last night in the hospital). COGY, my love. Some are still asking the "why"s while those that super super gum with me can come and spend the whole afternoon talking about life with me. And that helps so much. I never ever want to come to a state where all I talk about and all people think about when they're with me is cancer and how sick I am. I need to talk about other things. I need to stimulate my mind and be as functional and normal. And I love that there are people in COGY who get that. And I love that I have the best brothers and sisters in teh world. Who else is so comfortable to come and lie down on the hospital bed with me and eat up the excessive amount of chocolates for me and taste my yucky hospital food for me / who else can see the world the way I do, whose mind ticks the way mine does / who else can read my thoughts with eye contact because adults are all around? LUV.
My poly mates, the ones I can be extremely buay pai seh with. I can make them run all the errands in the world for me and they would. Just today I was spoilt with Crystal Jade congee (my favourite omg), Island Creamery, bubble tea, and a butt load of jokes. It's not the pampering that I'm grateful for, but the level of familiarity and comfort that we share. Even made ah loke help me shop at uniqlo.
;
Jeska: Did they say which part of the colon is going to be removed?
Me: Ya, the left.
Me: Ya, the left.
Jeska: So you're gonna have a... semicolon?
CAN YOU JUST. She was saving that joke for a long long time. And look what they bought me for snacks:
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When someone knows you, you worry less about how they would react because you are so confident they will totes get it. People ask me what I fear, what I'm worried about, to be honest most of the time it's how people would react and how they would feel. I always tell them, "but please don't worry cos I'm completely zen". When I see people talking about/posting about this like it's a horrible awful thing and they are questioning everything, I just hope that they would reconcile the reasons for themselves and not reject anything. It's so odd because my twitter feed is filled with angsty angsty tweets or tweets about cute doctors, and my fb statuses are so calm and zen. Hey, I need an outlet to vent. TWITTER IS MA DUMPING GROUND.
Anyway, I'm gonna be using social media as I always do because I GEN i LA HOR. And also, I hope it will help my friends see where I'm coming from so they won't flip. Also, there will come a point, I am prepared, where chemo will put me in such an awful place that I might feel no joy and no hope and nothing good. Looking back at all this would help tremendously. Perhaps I'm feeling all chirpy and zen now to strengthen myself for what is to come.
I don't know what to expect when treatment begins, but nobody ever knows what to expect, right? Tomorrow rapture how? You also don't know.
Life experience x1000.
And really, please do not be guarded around me. Ask me anything you want, tell me how you're feeling. I am more intrigued and fascinated than worried and brittle. Also, I'm going to stay away from sashimi for a while T_T but steak is still on the table. Yes, this is important info. Steak. Is. Ok.
I didn't get to study the whole day because of great company, and at this point I'm so lazy to study already. Going for a PET scan in the morning and then I can be discharged! It has been exactly one week since I got admitted and I can't wait to shower in my own bathroom again.