So it's been four days since I got the chemo pumped removed, had to bring a little bag home with me so the cycle could continue for three days, so technically it's been six days since my first chemoschemo. The first few days went on fine, only had trouble getting used to the pump because it meant that I couldn't wash my hair for three days. But I'm starting to feel shitty now. I don't know if it's because of the loss of appetite that's causing me to be all grumpy and in pain or it's just, like they've always warned me, them side effects. I've known so many people who've gone through or are still going through chemotherapy and they've provided a full report on the possible side effects I might face. Nothing out of the blue, nothing you don't already know from watching dramas on the telly. But goodness, I do not deal well with physical pain. My mind shuts down and I'm on complete bitch mode hyperdrive and I'm even meaner than usual. It's so hard to rationalise with yourself through the pain because all your thoughts are focused on how much it hurts and how much you want it to go away. Funny how during these times, Zamyatin's words keep coming to me. Isn't it clear that individual consciousness is just sickness? I don't want to be conscious of my stubbed toe or bleeding nose or cut finger so that my whole body is thrown off balance and my whole body aches with that one little part. I'm sure there is a lesson here, how when one part is hurt the whole body aches with it, but damn, I could use fewer lessons and more painkillers at this moment.
And I've been reduced to another cliché. All I do, is lie around in my PJs, sleep, force myself to eat, and watch medical dramas. Hey, I can't help it if cable keeps airing Grey's Anatomy. I started watching Red Band Society, how apt, right? At the most crucial moment of your life when you're a walking virus TV stations start airing a drama series depicting the lives of cancer-stricken children and other sick beings. I just found out they canceled that series and I'm all noooooooooo what am I going to watch now? I've also been shopping online because retail therapy and pretty new things make me happy. What a waste of space. I feel like a waste of space right now. Doing absolutely nothing productive with my life, just, lying there.
Call me melodramatic but I keep having dreams about being disappointed. For instance, because I have nothing much going on for me now I've been looking forward to Sunday because that would mean COGY and it also means I won't be home rotting away on my birthday. But I keep dreaming that I'd make it all the way to church only to have to rush home, or that the kids suddenly disappear and I find nobody downstairs, or that I end up taking the train all the way home by myself. I think I depend too much on company, sometimes.
Well on the bright side, them world travellers are making their way home for Christmas! This means I get to see Letti again, and I get to manja Jiejie Jiemin again. But that also means I'll have to break the news to them somehow again. It's so odd, falling sick today. It's like you have so many social obligations to inform people and assure them you are doing okay. The worse is when everyone demands an update from you. No, you do not deserve to know, you don't have the right to know. Will you let me deal with this at my own time? If there are things I would like you to know, I would. I'm fine with "how are you feeling" and "are you better" but being all passive aggressive demanding I keep you updated really pisses me off. A reminder that pain puts me in bitch mode hyperdrive.
I'm going to return to bed and watch B-rated horror flicks.
/whine.