We always say, forget those who have walked away and appreciate those who have stayed. But we always gravitate towards what we lack. Which is strange since how can you move towards nothingness, how can you look for life in absence? That’s why we feel empty even though we have so much. We choose, over and over, to fall through a broken web in time knowing nothing will catch us, so we continually fall. But imagine this. Imagine you know you are dying. Not the, we are dying every day, kind of dying. But you know you only have months to live. Time is limited. Will you still waste another minute on someone who might never come back? Stop waiting. Stop living in memories. The past is dead but you are still alive. Live. Move on. Keep swimming. Your muscles need to move. Your heart needs to work. You need to function again.
But here's the thing. I'm still living and making decisions as if I have a good few decades more to go. As much as I embrace death and I look forward to the rest of eternity, as much as I fear life more than I do death, as much as I always rattle on about how rapture should come already, I never actually prepared myself for death. I haven't surrendered certain bitterness, I haven't made my peace with some people, I haven't been milking the time I have now. That's because I never thought about the alternative ending. When I first heard about the sickness I was so chill about it, I still am chill about it. I don't know what God's will is for me, and I dare not say that I do, but I dare say that in life and in death my soul is still in His hands so I fear nothing. I don't know if this sounds defeatist or if it reflects surrender, I honestly don't. When I was so chill about it, the adults at church reminded me, "but you're not going to accept it right, you are going to fight".
So I haven't thought much about it. I accept the cancer. I accept that God is in control. But whether I live or die, I will still accept it so it doesn't matter to me how much I fight. Is that being defeatist? But I think I've put on a pretty good fight so far, only thinking about the future. I make holiday plans for 2015, I think about how difficult it would be for me to buy insurance in the future, I think about how there might be a chance I never have kids of my own, and if I do miraculously, how they might inherit the cancer. It's not that it's worrying me, I don't even see it as a burden. I'm just, thinking ahead. And I know through it all God would be there. Abraham and Sarah, man. If it's God's will, even the most ridiculous hope would prevail. So yeah, my mind functions as if this cancer would just pass away. I always tell my friends that pregnancy lasts 9 months and mine is shorter than that, it's just a 6-month flu bug that causes a shit load of acne. And comparing to the older folks at church, I really think I have it easy. So far, no nausea, no splitting headaches, just really really bad skin. The acne is really being a complete bitch because my scalp hurts and my eyebrows hurt YAH did you ever think that eyebrows could hurt? What. It's so bizarre. Basically my face feels like Michael Myer's mask. Not the smooth kind but the stiff as shit kind.
See, even my constant complaints about my face shows how optimistic I am. It really does haha. God's taking care of the big stuff, so I can fuss over the little ones. And I'm just looking forward for my face to clear up and I can look into the mirror and see a face I am familiar with again. I still shop like crazy online and in the shops, I still bought my chelsea boots even though I hardly ever leave the house, I still bought my baby e-p 5 even though it's been staying on my shelf since I got it. Also I would readily splurge on facials and whatever treatments to fix my skin after this. Never realised how vain I was until this, but it's really affecting me ): Judge lah judge judge judge. I feel like I'm preparing for life to resume after all this is done. Marcus my super talented designer aka Ah Liang told me to promise him I'd get better. And I'm like, pssffftttt we still have so many projects to complete to conquer the art scene. Heng and I still have our amazing cruise trip. The bois and chiobs and I still have our euro 2016. My laneway tix are still sitting with Johann. Sigur Ros hasn't released anything new yet. I haven't seen Nurls get married. I haven't claimed godmothership from my flens. I HAVEN'T BEEN TO ICELAND. And to think all this will happen before I graduate. I don't want to say that life has barely started, but it really hasn't. In line of eternity, these 22 years is just so short. I haven't even graduated.
SO is it a good thing or a bad thing to live as if I'll live for a long time more? On one hand, if God takes me away after this I would be quite happy about it. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to life after cancer. When the docs told me that I could be the lucky few who is completely cured from this stage of cancer, I was just thinking: doctor, pls. my God is who, I don't need luck. And I keep thinking what an amazing testimony of God's power would be if I were to be completely cured from this. I think, I think I need to make better decisions. For real this time. I don't believe in new year resolutions because it's added pressure and when you don't live up to it you give up completely, it's always all or nothing so midway means defeat. But I really have to start making better decisions. By appreciating those who have stayed and truly forgetting those who have walked away. It sucks, it really does. It sucks because you think that seeing you in this plight they would make the effort to care more, but then again you don't want to throw a pity fit and gain sympathy points. Geeeeeez I'm being super manja and needy yucks yucks. I am xena ok. Not rexona, man, that deodorant really ruined xena for me.
Love, regardless of who is on the receiving end.
Love, because of who you are and you are God's love.
Love, without expecting.
Love, because nobody regrets loving on their deathbeds.
No one says, "I should have been more angry,"
they always think, "I should have loved more."
Love, but don't be stupid.