I don't see sickness as a curse or a punishment, and I don't believe that God flicks a finger and gives people diseases because He is angry. That's not my understanding of who He is. But sometimes I fall and feel I deserve what I'm going through. At the same time, I don't deserve all the good things others are doing for me because of it. I am a terrible human being and nobody should have to suffer with me. Cancer has become a card I inevitably hand others so they treat me better. I don't want it. I don't want you to be nice to me. I don't want your hugs, your generosity, your gifts. I don't want your special treatment. I don't deserve it at all and every time someone treats me special I want to dig a hole in the ground and remain there for the rest of my days. I am of no service to anybody, I don't improve the lives of anyone around me, and every time shit hits the fan I'm always in the middle of the picture. I do more harm than good. Always. I used to imagine cancer cleansing me physically, like I would somehow be renewed after chemo and pills and surgery. I used to imagine it cleansing me spiritually. As if I would come to some awakening and lead my life completely differently. But now I just wish it would cleanse this world from me. I am a speck of dirt that should never intrude in other people's bubbles. All I do is wreck the things I touch. I am cancer.
But I know within the depths of my being, that I was not made to feel like this. I know, with my limited understanding, that thoughts like these do not come from God. They might not necessarily come from the devil, because to be human is to admit our failings and our nature. To say these thoughts come from the devil within is not completely untrue. We are our own devils, even if the devil is very real and in his own way his own being. I don't believe in rejecting thoughts like these, because when you sweep things under the carpet and hope they go away, they only come back fiercer to bite you in the ass. But I believe you must one day triumph over these thoughts, no matter how comfortable or how 'correct' they feel. We do all we can to function as humans in this world. We do all we can to be better. Some days we wallow in self pity and wish the worst upon ourselves. But we must never see that as the end point in our lives, but a little obstacle in this roller coaster of a life. Embrace all feelings, reject none, but rest and meditate and learn what to do about those feelings. Don't let it consume you. Don't let it decide who you are and what your place is in this world.
But I know within the depths of my being, that I was not made to feel like this. I know, with my limited understanding, that thoughts like these do not come from God. They might not necessarily come from the devil, because to be human is to admit our failings and our nature. To say these thoughts come from the devil within is not completely untrue. We are our own devils, even if the devil is very real and in his own way his own being. I don't believe in rejecting thoughts like these, because when you sweep things under the carpet and hope they go away, they only come back fiercer to bite you in the ass. But I believe you must one day triumph over these thoughts, no matter how comfortable or how 'correct' they feel. We do all we can to function as humans in this world. We do all we can to be better. Some days we wallow in self pity and wish the worst upon ourselves. But we must never see that as the end point in our lives, but a little obstacle in this roller coaster of a life. Embrace all feelings, reject none, but rest and meditate and learn what to do about those feelings. Don't let it consume you. Don't let it decide who you are and what your place is in this world.