Do not make homes out of people
they are not pillars to hold you up
nor shelter to keep you dry
all they do is turn to salt
and make you cry
"Man fail, so depend on God"
God, God
can You give me a hug?
i'm not asking for a home
i'm not asking for life
i just want to know what it's like to be soft
to melt in your embrace
and let my tears seep through
barricades
I have a new revelation. That is, do I truly believe that God is enough for me? What a horrendous statement, if God is everything and the creator of everything and is the beginning and the end, how can He never be enough? He is entirety. The limit does not exist, how can you even think about God not being enough?
In this episode of So What Is This Sickness Teaching You Now You Stubborn Child, I realise that it's not about believing in God's healing power, it's not about believing that this episode is for the family to unite (believe me, parentals are so far from being my pillars of strength and comfort), it's not about trusting in God's sovereignty and being fearless about sickness or death. It's about whether God is truly enough.
When everything is stripped from you, and I mean everything, your body, your ambition, your family, your comfort, your security, your confidence, and you feel like you have nothing and nobody to depend on, and you feel so alone despite having many friends and many well wishes, is God enough? When He strips all comfort and people from you, and tells you "depend on me, I will never leave you nor forsake you, I am love and I love you", is it enough? Honestly, right now, it is not enough. I crave affection, and I get none from this house. I crave comfort, and I never allow myself to accept it. I crave security, stability, a constant. And none of these are a reality for me at the moment. I want something physical. Something I can see and touch and fill myself with comfort.
God, God. Can you give me a giant hug? Extend your large arms (do You even have arms??) and hold me and let me melt. Why am I so hard? Why have I been so conditioned by my circumstances to build a barricade for myself? Why is it so difficult to be soft? It's so difficult to be soft around people, and now I realise that I don't know how to be soft around You too.
Help. I want to melt into the sea but all I do is sink.