I haven't given myself space to grieve or crack or breakdown, I keep talking/writing about wanting to, and the tension inside keeps pulling me apart, but I never really did crack. Last night I did. Purge, purge all the negativity, the unproductive thoughts, the very human emotions. Without the, "but you're supposed to feel this way", without the "but you know your faith tells you that...", without the "stop being so entitled and whiney". Without all the responsibilities I somehow force upon myself so unnaturally, I purged. And it felt so good.
It is so important to have good friends in your life. I am very very happy to say that I have been blessed in abundance with good friends. Not saying that they don't offer me cigarettes, don't drink, don't swear, but they don't judge and they give me space to be angry. They are always reachable, whether they live in the east, or study in Miami or London, or are buried in books/work. They don't offer hallmark words or throw bible verses at me when I'm raging, but they let me rage. They are real. Sincere. Loyal. And they love me anyway. It's like when I'm sad and the wizard comes to pick me up no matter the time of day, and I can shout and make no words with the sounds and just have space to go batshit crazy. It's like when I can spend the whole weekend walking aimlessly drinking loads of coffee with the cheekeong and we can sing pop songs one minute and spiral into existential crisis the next. It's like when Waichan and Janet sense something off from my social media nonsense and whatsapp me from Japan to check up on me. These friends are golden.
Jeska used to remind me that I have not been shortchanged, that even though I never had a conventional home, I have never lacked in care and companionship, and I thank the good friends for that. In Joshua's words, on close friends, they know my pattern I kao bei them give them one kind face and attitude they also take. hahahahaha.
Surprisingly, I didn't wake up with an emotional hangover today. I woke up with so much gratitude in my heart. I feel light. I feel happy. I feel hungry also but lunch is soon, Aunty Soo Lin and Aunty Joyce are taking me out. You see what I mean? I never lack. I feel like listing names and thanking the friends but that would be too mushy, you know I love you thank you. This is why I like blogging about the friends, I hope it shows how much I appreciate you guys. Thank you for accepting me and not judging me and being very very good to me (bantering aside).
As much as I hate clichés, appreciate what you have and stop chasing after what you lack. You play the cards you're dealt. If cheekeong can win dai dee with shitty cards, we can do anything. If you look closely at the cards the universe has tossed you, and you stop wishing for other cards, you will start to see how good your cards are. Don't give up. So what if I'm 22 and have this almost-terminal illness, I think I have not been shortchanged. There is nothing new under the sun.