It's been half a year since I was diagnosed with cancer. Some days get really bad, but other days are so good. Today was a pause in this chaos and it allowed me to reflect and realise how far I've come. I was uploading photos to my 二零一五 album and I was scrolling through watchnight and CNY photos. I remember how the first 6 cycles of chemo messed me up so badly, hair like needles and face like cracked desert floors. I remember running my fingers through my hair and having one big bunch fall out, dreading showers because my scalp burned, crying at night because my skin got so bad. But all that has come and passed. Even surgery, though it still keeps me up at night sometimes thinking about it all, has come and passed. The current 6 cycles is going so much better because they removed one of the drugs. Anyway, I have been busying myself so much that I never stopped to reflect and give thanks. Praise God, who is forever faithful, for seeing me through all of it. Even though it's not the end yet and I still don't know the final outcome, I have seen God's hand in my life through all of this. Stage 4 cancer, doctors didn't think it hopeful for me to live much longer, but lookat me stuffing my face with XLBs and living as though all is fine and dandy. My hair is so thick that I can go to Browhaus and sign a package. Lashes blooming like crazy even my own mothelorde asked if my lashes were real. Pastor looking at me saying my skin is coming back. I keep getting comments about my eyelashes and it just reminds me, I am the hairiest chemo patient alive hahahah. My hair is growing and it is healthy! My nails no longer cut into my skin. My stomach no longer hurts. I enjoy my showers now. I sleep so comfortably. My wound has completely healed. Everything is restoring and it's only been a couple of months.
I went for a skin analysis/ makeup session today as part of my new part-time job. The consultants said my scalp was healthy and I wanted to cry. I realise how far I've come, from dropping hair and having infections on my scalp because of chemo to having a professional tell me I have a healthy scalp (': They also told me to remove my fake lashes before the skin tutorial and I'm like, they are real. I'm not trying to boast or anything, but I'm so happy that when I rub my eyes my lashes no longer drop off in clumps. I'm so happy that I no longer have to worry how people would react to my messed up face. I'm so happy that I'm moving past that stage in my life. So happy so so so so so happy. Now, the only issues I face are psychological. It's going to take a while to psych myself out of that, but for now I rejoice that I look human again. Going for the third cycle on Wednesday, and then it will be 2 more and then hopefully I'm done with it all! Hope I can go for practicum and be really devoted to it, not having to skip life to travel to the hospital. The next part of this whole thing is having to deal with the psychological. I dreamt that the second half of 2015 kicked ass. May I deal with my fears in time for a good second half of the year. During finals in the first year I was dealing with a heartbreak. Finals in the second year I was dealing with the hospital. Please, third year, be kind to me.
And all this time I lack nothing. My God is an awesome God.