I've been skipping plans, missing dates, ditching events all for no good reasons. Missed my friend's milestone in life because I felt I couldn't be in a room of familiar faces that have been disconnected. Deleted my Instagram account and even though it seems trivial and all, it's been a major relief for me. These past few weeks have been low, quiet, and I've been rethinking everything. From friends to relationships to faith, everything I've been doing to construct some kind of life. It'll be silly to tell you, whoever you are, my reasons for retreating because it sounds like a whiney teenager manufacturing demons to fight. I'm tired. I feel I have exhausted it all, letting people in and telling them things hoping for some sort of understanding, and then have them walk out carrying that bag of secrets. But now I finally, sincerely, honestly realise and accept the fact that you don't need that. You don't need another human to understand. You don't need another human to know your history, to know why you function the way you do, to know you. We all long to be known, but by whom? Why do we have this aching to be known, to be understood? Jeska reminded me, don't need human de. That is very true. You can spend all your time searching for someone or something to fill a void but one day you wake up and realise you really really really have to return to God. No matter how far we travel, how much we stray, where we go in life, everyone will come to a point where nothing on earth satisfies, and we need to quench a thirst that can only come from another sort of power, another being.
I've also been spending my days looking for couches to call beds and other people's houses to call homes, because I am so sick of my own. It's associated with so many things bad. My room feels like a hospital ward, my bed reminds me of chemo, I use my blanket to cover my chest when I have chemo because the stench of the chemicals and alcohol makes me nauseated. When I don't tire myself in the day I cannot sleep because I think about chemo and surgery. I cannot go home. I struggle every minute trying to think of other things. I haven't really told anyone this, because how can I stop thinking about something if I keep talking about it? It haunts me. Surgery, my scars, chemotherapy. I really hate the smell of the alcohol, the sound my chemo machine makes whenever it's on the cycle, and I hate my room, my house, my body. My body reminds me of all the chemicals.
But I know I cannot stop thinking about it by willing it to happen. I have to fill my head with other things. I have to be active, do things, constructive things. I was laying in bed today watching Never Let Me Go feeling so shitty and I realised I really needed some air. Thank God for my beautiful friends who are always just a phonecall away. The beng and I braved the heat and got a couple of things done, bought some lego and I literally laughed the day away <3 But God, it comes back to God. To fill myself with God so nothing bad can take a place in my head. It's funny how all these came to me when I was listening to DCFC. You gotta spend some time, love, you gotta spend some time with me. I gotta spend some time with God.
Here's to the start of the holidays, hopefully something productive comes out from it. I don't want to be sad anymore. I'm gonna kick some butt. <3