Went to school for 10 minutes yesterday to meet the dean. I realise deans and professors' favourite phrase to use is touch base with you. And I realise that I am one awkward human being. She was really warm and sincere, she even read through my entire medical report to ask me really specific questions. But the whole time I could feel my face turn to stone, the muscles obediently moved into position to portray a certain expression. This is the expression I have when I assure people that I am fine, or when people tell me things like you're still so joyous, you are so brave, you are so strong. I really don't know how to react to those comments but my body has been conditioned to give a certain look and reply. Smile with your eyes a little squinted, it looks more genuine. Give a short nervous laughter, it makes your expression more authentic. Give eye contact, it shows confidence and reassures them. It's like a job interview.
I keep telling the dean that I'm getting used to things, that's what I tell the adults most of the time. There's nothing much else to do is there? You're just the patient. You don't sort out the drugs, you don't read the reports, you just lie there and let them do whatever they want to you. You're not God, you don't know the plans, you don't know what's next. You are absolutely powerless. So there's nothing else to do but to get used to things. But you never really get used to it.
Side effects may not surprise you as much anymore, you might not feel as angry when you feel ill anymore, but you change every day, your perspective, your mood, your whole attitude changes every day. I guess it is the same with anyone else. Some days you're feeling all badass and warrior and shit, other days you want to quit and just die, some days you think there's a lot more to live for, other days you see nothing worth staying around for.
Recently I've been watching movies with cancer patients in it. No, not The Fault In Our Stars. Right now I'm on the couch watching The Allure of Tears. Even the title already sounds so heart wrenching right. It's a Chinese movie (starring Aarif Lee *_* what a hansum boy) and I'm just purging all them feels. And there's a new one I'm really looking forward to, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl. It has the bacon king Nick Offerman so it is already ten times better than TFIOS. Anyway, one of the lines I've come across in these movies was, were we in love or were we two dying people comforting each other? And it got me thinking about human relationships. Is this why damaged people are drawn to each other? Is it just survival mode? You need to need one another for a relationship to work, I always thought that. But if you don't need anyone, then what is worth staying for? It's not just about romantic relationships, but all kinds of relationships. If we have no need, can we be an island? But if you are in a relationship because of love, and love is unconditional, then there should be no need, right? Isn't the act of needing essentially self-serving. What does it mean to be human, this is frustrating. I'm going to have a paddlepop now. Goodbye.