Love should not be a byproduct of obedience. Obedience should be the byproduct of love. Love the lasts and grows must come from a place so deep and steady, from a place where you experience an overwhelming sense of gratitude, from a source of love so grand that it overflows and pours out. That's why His Word says that we love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).
I think I half-assed my way through my Mexicali post because I wasn't ready to admit what I'm about to say. But to not give God the glory would be a shame and a loss.
I spend my whole life angry at the parents because we've had some deep-seated issues growing up, and I never knew how violent hate could get. Even after I was diagnosed with cancer I continued to grow angry and bitter, despite me feeling this was an issue I had to deal with and cancer was the mere signal. Anyway, when the motherlorde and I were away, I experienced what it's like to be loved unconditionally, to be loved not because of who I am but because of who the one loving is, to be forgiven and given mercy and abundant grace. It was the first time in my life I actually felt so moved. I was very nasty towards her during the whole trip because when you don't like someone, everything they do bothers you. But she was still kind with her words and gentle, I could tell she was very afraid of bugging me. At the end of the trip she said, I'm sorry, can we not fight anymore. And those are the words I always wanted to hear growing up. Those words weighed a tonne and guilt sat heavily on my chest and tied my stomach to knots. I never expected to hear those words. And the fact is, I was the one that needed to apologise, not her. But she didn't care, she just wanted to save our relationship. And even though everyone around me has been saying that she's been trying her best to change, I never believed them. When you grow up in a place where people are untrustworthy and undependable you learn to protect yourself by refusing to believe in them. But those words struck me hard and I realised she's really changed. And only God can change people.
For years I've prayed for God to change her, and now that He finally did, it was I that needed to change. I needed to be softer, kinder, basically I needed to have the fruit of the spirit. The fact that I was slowly losing all these traits was a blaring red light that I was moving farther and farther away from Christ. Somehow in the months I've struggled with cancer I also grew extremely entitled and bitter. In youth whenever someone asks how we know if we still remained in Christ, our checklist was always in Galatians 5. This weekend I was reminded again that you're either walking in Christ or walking in the world. There is no third option. If you live by the world, you live by the desires of your flesh. If you live by Christ, you live by the Spirit.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions sand desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not be conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. Galatians 5:16-26
Besides accepting that she's truly changed, I also felt a snippet of God's grace as she looked past by horrible behaviour and continued to be kind to me. We remember God's wrath and His anger towards sin, but we must also remember not to repay mercy with guilt, but with gratitude. As we live in this world and sin so gravely against our Father, it's easy to turn away as guilt eats us from the inside out. But Christ stands with us, telling us that He had already paid the price for our sin. That He had already given us clean heart, if we so repent and forgive others. The heavy cross, our weight of sin. If Christ's love doesn't compel us to change, hardly anything else would.