I'm beginning to grow more and more conscious of my aching body. I went for my scan today and the nurse said, Looking at you, I can't even tell you are sick. This always bothered me. Do the sick have to look sick? Let me put this in a context you might understand. Imagine you are having the mother of all period cramps and you feel your insides shredding to pieces. You're on a train home trying not to collapse, and you see an empty seat. You go for it, or you don't, either way you feel guilty for sitting because you are young and abled and you don't look like you need the seat. It's like when people get angry when drivers with the handicapped decal get out of their cars and walk on their feet. Just because the decal shows a person sitting on a wheelchair does not mean the person's sickness is not being able to walk. Now when people tell me that I don't look sick, I no longer feel proud. I used to, because it felt like it meant I was strong. But now I feel somewhat guilty? Is it strange? I feel like I owe people the picture they expect to see. I don't know if anyone else feels this way or I simply have the luxury of overthinking because I'm so self-indulgent. But just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel it. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not there. The kind of sickness that ails my body continues to evolve. The first cycle was clearly visible. But this cycle is not.
There is a lot of fear, and a lot of pain. I fear eating because I can run to the toilet ten times a day, if it's not coming out of my mouth it's coming out of my ass. Last Sunday I stayed home with tabi and I literally went to the toilet ten times. t e n. That's a hell lot of times. So I dare not eat, but then I get gastric. So every where I go I make sure a restroom is nearby. It's paranoia. My whole body is constantly aching and nothing seems to get rid of it. I do still run because I feel so grateful and happy when I do, it makes me remember how far I've come and how the Lord has been good. But just because I can sweat and exercise doesn't mean my body is completely in a good state. Sometimes my friends forget that I'm not as well as I was before, and they plan late nights and overnight marathons. I simply cannot do that anymore. I'm always upfront about it and say that my body cannot tank, but there's always this little voice saying how come you can't do this, but you can do this? Like, how come I can go out on Saturdays but suddenly feel too sick to go to church on Sundays? It just is. I don't plan my side effects.
I've also been losing so much sleep. I try not to think about chemo anymore, and the gross saline solution and alcohol swabs and the smell of the plasters. But it's always at the back of my mind and in my throat. Every time I smell things like detergent or hand sanitisers I'm transported back to that situation where the drugs make me feel so awful. So I really really really really really detest that smell. Sometimes my stupid friends can joke and force me to smell their hands after they've used the sanitiser. Please stop. It's not funny.
Anyway, why do I feel like I have to look sick, or convince people that my illness is legit, before I feel okay doing anything? I mean, when you're handed a deadline to your life you put things in perspective and sometimes you just don't want to do things you don't wanna do. You don't wanna do things to please people anymore, and you just want to be a bit selfish. Is that okay?
Maybe the reason I feel so guilty is because I firmly believe that it is not okay.
I really hope I can sleep tonight. I laid in bed for seven hours last night trying to fall asleep. I wasn't even using my phone. I just can't sleep. It's been days of sleepless nights and cranky mornings. Please, let me rest.