I gained 10kg since I got hospitalised last November. 10. TEN. T E N. 6kg since the start of the April, SIX. S I X. Slowly inching towards the heaviest I've ever been since poly. Damn I was round in poly. Rolypolyolly. I'm trying very hard not to be negative about chemo week, so let's not go there. I met with my dietician today, last saw her in April. The first time we met she was telling me to eat high calorie foods and just eat anything I wanted at all (except those that would clash with chemo). The second time we met she continued to tell me to eat everything and snack in between. Today I went there whining like a little brat telling her I fat liao. She said she saw many patients today that gained weight and she was really happy, because it meant that the body was getting stronger (somehow). BUT I AM SO SAD. Ironically I started gaining weight when I started to exercise for the first time in my life since scheduled PE in secondary school.
I always pack my chemo week and a few days before with a lot of social activities because I wanna milk the days I feel fine and not sickly hugging the toilet bowl. I kept whining about my weight gain and my friends being friends assured me that I look fine hahahaha. (this post is a little pointless and it's basically just me complaining, sozz).
Anyway, seeing all the FOC photos on FB makes me really happy and sad at the same time. I'm so glad that PPT's hard work paid off! And the amazing OPMC team as well. But I'm so bummed that I couldn't be a part of it. I was looking through FOZ videos, reminiscing the good and shiong times. I usually loathe camps but being part of the planning committee and seeing your hard work materialise is an amazing feeling. I really wish I was part of it. I'm in that awkward position where I'm neither here nor there, my name is in TTC but I haven't contributed squat it makes me feel so bad. I feel like if I can't be there always I'd rather not be at all, because then I wouldn't be a burden to the rest. Met ahliang over the week and we were just talking about how we worked so hard to change the design of VOICES and how we shot videos of camp by pushing each other on the trolley. Fun times, fun times. Hope whoever takes up P&P will find their own joy and take pride in their work too (Y). We've got so many personal projects that we've yet to complete, work always gets in the way. But you know what. I better get things done NOW.
A friend's friend passed away very suddenly today and she's around our age. Nobody is ever prepared for death, or to receive news on that. Whether you're wrinkly with grey hair and a thousand grandchildren, or a teenager ready to start the rest of your life, or a mother taking your kid out to the shopping mall when the escalator sucks you in, nobody is ever ready to die or hear that someone you care about has died. Whether it's sickness drawing you to the finish line or a sudden crash and you flatline.
So do what you want to do, not YOLO and its live recklessly stupidity, but do what you always said you'd do. Visit your grandparents and spend time with them. Adopt a cat. Hit the gym and take care of your body. Go to Tokyo. Publish a book. Don't say you don't have the time, make time. Is what's stopping you more important than what you want to do? Of course we still have to be reasonable and responsible, don't sell your house to buy the car you want. At the end of the day, would you regret doing it or would you regret passing up the chance to do it? You never realise how much you've got until you lose it. If you've still got an abled body, use it well.
Yucks so preachy.
Ok fatty is going to bed. It's chemo day tomorrow.