I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it. I know, but I don't want to know. I know you are up praying for me every night, you never fail to remind me. I know you are losing weight because you have no appetite, you never fail to show me. I know the whole family is distressed, I see the chain messages and the unifying "amen"s. I know that my cancer has thrown everyone off and has inconvenienced the lives of many. I know you spend a lot of money on special water you imported from Japan, I know you think that it will help. I know you're desperately trying to control my life because you cannot admit that this is beyond your control. But stop. I don't want to see your red eyes, I don't want to see you pull out your hair. Not because I love you, I don't even know what ties us together anymore, but because I don't want to see any of it, it's not productive. I don't know how to process what I am going through, I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair and I don't know how to human, but I don't want to human with you, I don't want you, I don't want you. Keep your words and your water and your begging, you know you are just being selfish, really. You are afraid that I would die, but I tell you I am not. You are afraid that I would die, but so what if I live? Why do you want to keep me alive? Because it's the human thing to do? We were pretty much dead even before all this happened, so I don't see why you want to save things now. Please leave me alone, and let me be happy, no matter how short or long that may be. If I am dying and I really only have a couple years left to live, I wouldn't want to live hearing you go on for hours, sending me essay-long messages, trying your best to keep me alive. I don't want you around, because you were never around anyway, and it's not that I'm being bitter, it's that I'd rather do what I like and be with who I like. I am selfish and I am cold, and I know that I will never let you touch me. So don't even try.
Until I figure out how to human
or process
or deal
I will be frustrated and angry
and I don't expect anyone to understand.
I don't owe you anything, I don't owe it to you to get better, I don't owe it to you to smile and be brave and be strong. I don't live for you, so stop demanding things from me.