SO, I haven't been receiving very good news from the medical side. Had a scan done recently and it showed that the tumours are still growing, even though it's just a little. What this means is that chemotherapy isn't too effective on me. I kind of rejoiced a little because I was so insistent on quitting chemo. I feel perfectly fine, it's only chemo that kills me, that weighs me down.
I'm not too bummed out about this at all, I trust my life in God's hands and surrender to His will, whatever it may be, and I still feel like I'm not supposed to die from this. It's not so easy to die. Anyway, any healthy, abled body person could walk down the streets and get hit by a car, right? Life is that unpredictable, so why stress myself over something as unpredictable as this? There is no use fretting over what you have no control over.
I feel the weight though, the weight of those grieving by my side. I feel like telling them, please, I'm okay. Please don't stress out. The doctor also said to let me live the way I wish, richly and productively, without anything weighing me down. If I were to die in the near future, I sure as hell wouldn't want to live life so restricted and worn out, I don't want to live in a toxic environment, I don't want to be frustrated all the time, I don't want to fight all the time. I want my peace, I want my stability, I want my security. Where? From where? From the internal? From the external?
Luke says when I'm supposed to chiong and fight against cancer, I chill. And when I'm supposed to chill when it comes to school work, I chiong. Sister calls this displaced efforts. What do I call it? I don't know. I just want to make the most of what I have, and I remember how hard I fought to get into this course. From refusing to let me take lit, to allowing me to take it as a minor, to having me take it as a major. I feel deeply convicted about this path I'm on, and as much as people can brush me aside calling me gahmen person, I feel like I'm on the right path, every day. Every day I head to school I am so grateful to get the course I want, I can't imagine if I were still in Geography right now, I'd dread school.
I still see my purpose, I still see myself going far, and if God wills, He will prove doctors wrong again.
I don't like talking about my feelings, and I don't like pity eyes. But I would give the world to nua in silence with the people I love. Giant bear hugs with no ounce of sympathy, quiet time without question. Just be here, that's all.