"I am sorry for giving up my faith in You so easily, for allowing my knees to bend and head to fall back, for letting go of all You’ve taught me. I am sorry for allowing myself to breathe my last breath and fall back into the depths of the deep well. I know You have been calling me from above, telling me to rise again, telling me to be strong. I know I have shifted my focus and allowed the world to consume me. I have made a comfortable home in my head for cancerous thoughts to stay. I know You have been holding on to me even when I fall back into the well. Because if it wasn't so, I would have hit the floors and my bones would have already shattered and life would have already left me. But here I am. Still crying. A sign that I am still breathing. That my heart is still beating. That the clock is still ticking and You are still calling. Calling me to rise up from the depths of the well. Calling me to rise up and take shelter under Your mighty wings. Calling me to come home. Help me. Forgive me. I am sorry."
The Heart of Worship is such a simple song. Simple chords, simple words, but simple is a reminder of what faith should be. I don't know how I've allowed the bitterness that I thought I had battled and overcome consume me again. I don't know how I've covered myself with reminders of how bad things were and are. I don't know how I've come to this state again, like I've traveled back in time and all these things return as the anchors pulling at my heart again. But then I listen to this song and remember. It's all about Jesus. Sometimes we feel that Christ is irrelevant to our present state. That He is absent, or He doesn't understand, or He doesn't hear our prayers. And then we give up praying all together. But today I realised that even when I so desperately wanted to let myself fall back into the deep well where the walls are towering and light is just an unreachable, delusional sign of hope, God was still with me. God is still with me. Reminder, having Christ in our lives isn't about having prayer as a quick fix, having a smooth-sailing life, having a miraculous transformation within our beings overnight. History is still history, marked with a jagged sword on the imaginary timeline in our hearts. We are still ourselves, no overnight solution to transform us into angels. And pain. Forgiveness is a daily practice. I used to think that forgiving someone was a one-time breakthrough. That we see the light, we make a decision, and we let the pain go. But we wake up every morning and remember the pain. And so every morning we have to pray that we'll be able to forgive. And every day we forgive. And as we forgive, we let go of the burden bit by bit. We allow our spirits to rise from the wells we have dug for ourselves. We allow our weary souls to rise and rest in the Lord. I'm sorry, Lord for the thing I've made it when it's all about You.