I don't really post about ahma anymore. It's not because she hasn't been in my thoughts, but you know how sometimes writing about the one you love takes so much out of you? I love her so much it hurts. But I feel it's important to document all these so that I can look back on them one day and remember all the things, every little detail, of this amazing woman. The last time I wrote about her was here: if it doesn't break your heart it's not enough. Anyway, one of the most difficult things I've had to do since I got sick was to stop visiting her so frequently. Not because of medical reasons, but I was and still am so afraid that she would question the condition of my skin and it would break her heart. I tell you, this woman, is hard of hearing. But her eyesight is sibei qiang. She might not be able to tell who is whom, but she can spot a pimple on your face from miles away. She's always scrutinising the girls in the family and nagging about their faces. Ok, maybe just me and the sister, but that's because the cousins rarely visit her anyway. The condition of my face gives everything away. I've gotten used to it, and I think my friends too. But to this woman, if my face is not perfection it is dead. Besides that, every time I go and see her my heart breaks because it always reminds me that she's not going to be here forever. And the only reason I want her to leave before I do, is because I cannot bear the thought of her living on earth knowing her granddaughter has gone before her. I am her favourite and she is mine. The mothership assumed I didn't want to go for CNY this year, and I got so angry at her because hells yeah I have to go for CNY, my ahma leh, how can I not go and show her my face. My cui face. And true to her vain self, the first thing she said was, 妹妹你的鼻子为什么这样?! (meimei why your nose like that) I laughed and teased her like we always do, calling each other 坏蛋. But she kept pressing on about why my face is so dry and so badly damaged. I could only laugh for so long because I could sense the concern and seriousness in her tone. Cannot leh, I cannot tahan when she is worried. My heart cannot tank. So I kinda stayed away from her this CNY, so that she wouldn't talk about it and remind herself. Her memory is quite bad so if you stayed away, she would forget.
I left without saying goodbye because I didn't want to give her another chance to look at my face. But throughout the day, she kept calling me on the phone. She kept repeating the same few lines, 你要看医生，看医生了没，你要照顾自己，如果没有人照顾你你要带衣服来阿嬷家住，我给你一百块看医生，你要看医生，要放药，(you need to see the doctor, have you seen the doctor, you need to take care of yourself, if nobody is taking care of you at home pack your clothes and come to ahma house, ahma give you one hundred dollars to see doctor, you need to see the doctor, need to put medicine). And whenever I assured her that I have seen/would see the doctor, and that I have money to see the doctor, and that I do apply medicine, she would go 你不要骗我，做耶稣的人不可以讲谎话 (don't lie to me, as a child of God you cannot tell lies). POWER RIGHT THIS WOMAN. Seriously macam moses I love her so much. But the worst part the worst worst worst part that made me regret going for CNY was when she said 阿嬷看你这样很辛苦，我想你想到哭，uncle aunty 问我为什么哭，你不要笑，阿嬷很心痛 (ahma see you like that very heartache, think of you until I cry, uncle aunty ask me why I cry, you don't laugh, ahma heartache). WA LAO EH I ASK YOU HEART PAIN OR HEART PAIN. I WANTED TO STAB MYSELF FOR BEING SO STUPID FOR GOING TO HER HOUSE. My heart is so heavy so extremely heavy to hear those words. Imagine if she knew I had cancer, this woman would DIE. She would literally die. This is why the first thing I told my relatives was that if anyone were to let her know I would never forgive them.
THANK GOD my ahma's eyesight is so power, thank God that she is still alive and strong, thank God that she is 90 and is still like moses. I am so extremely grateful that she is still here. But what can you do when your grandmother tells you her heart aches for you? ): My face needs to clear up so I can visit her often again. My face needs to clear up so I can bring her food again. My face needs to clear up so that she wouldn't be so worried anymore )':
Nobody loves me like this woman and I will never love anyone as much as I love her. She's not just this cute figure that I like to post pictures of, or some funny old woman I share stories about, she's so amazing. So full of love, full of generosity, full of grace. And she's so humorous too, THAT'S WHY THE GRANDDAUGHTER ALSO FUNNY (pls support la, I know I lame). I laughed so much on the train talking to her trying to get her to loosen up but I could hear her voice quivering. GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. Ok, to all those whose grandparents have passed I am sorry and I am sorry for asking if you know what that feels like. But we all know we cannot tahan the sound of old people's voices shaking. MY HEARRRRRRTTTT.
Ok, diam diam. Face, clear the hell up ok don't torture your poor grandmother. I remember when COGY was at the airport to send the sister off and ahma came in her wheelchair, Waichan said something along the lines of wa we finally get to see the celebrity hahaha. If you've been my friend long enough you would've heard loads and seen loads of pictures of this woman. IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT HER TELL ME AH SHE LOVES WHEN I BRING FRIENDS OVER. I love that on CNY, social media is filled with my friends' grandparents. Be good, kids. Never let your old folks miss you. Never let them worry about you. And never let them feel lonely.
Ahma so amazing, my heart cannot tank. Yeye was one lucky dude.