I don't know how to human

Kurt Vonnegut writes in Mother Night, "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." This is hitting me hard tonight. Why is it that I've been so steady (kind of) for so long, but this final lap is taking such a huge emotional toil on me? I'm being so manja and whiney and everything I hate to be. I believe in faking it until you make it. Applies to confidence, to self-esteem, to many other aspects of your character. So, while it sounds so awful to say you are pretending to be something you are not, it happens all the time. It's not so much of lying to yourself, but you have a version of yourself that you aspire to be. So while we have that version in our heads, our actions begin to alter, if our willpower is strong enough. We start to make the conscious effort to mold ourselves into our "ideal" versions. I am a very different person from who I was before, I know we all say this about ourselves, so I'm sure you can relate somehow. I used to hide in the car at church while the parents and sister mingled because I was hideously shy. But now, I'd like to think that I'm strong. When my professor asked me if I was confident about the final results of this six cycles, I replied, I am a confident person always (: When the aunties and uncle at church told me to have faith, I replied, I do! When my friends asked if I was feeling okay, I replied, Of course, never better, never happier. And they all say the same thing. You don't look sick/ you look good/ you don't behave like a sick person at all. Which is good. Which is what I blogged about a long time ago. Don't talk to me like I'm a rabbit.

But today I rage. I rage against the universe and myself. Why peg myself as a strong person, why always xena mode, why always so tough. Because now, I really have no ability to handle weakness. I cannot tolerate myself when I'm feeling whiney. To be honest, I hate that I have no one-person, no go-to person. How do people keep best friends? What is that? It sounds so foreign to me. I gave up the idea of a best friend after having been disappointed over and over again, having been betrayed, and I grew so wary of the idea of having just ONE person to rely on. While others have one person to hang on to, be it a parent or a partner or a best friend, I've been a monkey swinging from tree to tree, hanging on to whomever is available but knowing that it wouldn't last, and while my arm holds on for dear life, the other reaches out to another. But because I know I wouldn't stay, I never actually get to feel secure or comforted. It's just, very much on the surface. 

I hate talking about how I feel when I'm with my friends, no matter how gum we are. That's why I'm on social media so much. That's why I blog so much. I like talking to myself. Because I can't do the same with another human being. I feel so damaged, like I don't know how to be human with another human. I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to tell them, actually I'm feeling damn emo about this whole disease, actually cancer is a lonely disease, actually I don't mind if I die because I feel like I have nothing much to live for. I don't know how to tell them all these. Because in my head I'm already jumping to the alternative replies. Either extreme panic, or they would mother me (which I loathe), or they'll tell me to pray, or they'll be all awkward, or they'll peg me as an emotional wreck. I don't know how to human with other humans. On one hand I really feel like letting my guard down and crying for no reason, on the other hand I know I would hate myself for it. I've only ever let my guard down for one person. And I got betrayed. And I vowed never to let myself feel that way again. Even though it feels like my heart is living outside my body, I've filled that void with a plastic heart. And all I feel towards him is bitterness and indifference. Can you feel both at the same time? 

How is it that I can write about feelings, yet reject feelings at the same time. How is it that I crave affection, yet choose to reject it with all my being. How is it that all I can think of is all the times I was there for other people, and I blame them for not being here for me when all I do is reject them.

Everyone wants the cool girl. Who's got it together. Who never loses her cool, is never jealous, is never upset, is never whiney, is never anything but steady and calm and strong. I thought I was that. For the longest time I thought I was that. But now I see that I'm trying so hard to be that, that my insides are starting to fall apart. I never felt body aches so bad until today. My mind is fracturing. I'm losing it. I've been crying every night for who knows what. I am so weak. I am so pathetic. I am so sorry. Some days I want to return this body. I have no receipt, but I hope you would take it and burn it. I don't deserve this body. I don't like the way I am right now. I hate my body. I hate my mind. I hate my heart. Why did it take me five cycles to crack? Stop pulling the finish line away from me, I really cannot take it anymore. The line is so far away that it is thinning every second, like my hair, and my skin, and my patience. I want to be the cool girl. I hate weakness. I resent neediness. I loathe the fact that the things I want for myself and the things I crave are so different. 

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." 

The consequences are dire.

Block block block. I will wake up and find this post absolutely rubbish and embarrassing. Xena mode.