If I were to stage my six cycles of chemotherapy, I would divide them accordingly: Cycles one and two - getting used to procedures, finding out the side effects, filled with so much joy because I finally had blood in my body again and I never felt God closer. Cycles three and four - the most painful side effects ever, not just on the flesh but the internals were shredding like sugar cane water, still filled with a lot of joy, learning and hearing a lot from God, super ups. Cycles five and six - so whiney, so manja, so complacent, so entitled. So guilty.
When I first found out about the cancer, I knew in my heart it was for many reasons. Major things in life never hit you for the sake of hitting you and keeping you down. Of the many reasons, one was God calling me back to Him and I truly believe that He cares more about my soul and my relationship with Him than my physical body, and through this flamin' trial I feel stronger than ever even though the outside is wasting away. And another thing that I have to deal with right now, with cycles five and six, is pride.
I hate vulnerability, you have no idea. So since the start of this whole journey, I really took pride in how strong I was. Took pride in how joyful I was. Took pride in my stupid xena mode. But cycles five and six hit me so hard because it got me really really weak, in the head, fighting with my pride. And until now, I keep hearing God telling me to be soft, be soft, be soft. I cannot, I don't know how to deal with weakness. It's not just about people talking to me like I'm a rabbit, or trying to accept affection (cringe cringe) from the parentship who can't seem to reconcile the fact that I grew up while they were absent, or receiving blessings from people that make me feel so guilty because I don't deserve this kindness.
When I say vulnerability, and weakness, I'm talking about my inability to sustain the joy and the thanksgiving towards God. I've been doing it with my own strength for so long that I'm finally depleted. Now I see and realise that I really have been crediting myself so much that now I'm just flat out jaded. I have little perseverance. And I hate that I've been complaining so much. I guess when you do things with your own strength, you set aside a quota for the capacity to hope and run the race. So when you deplete your capacity, when you hit your quota, you're just standing in the middle of the running track going, ok what now?
But all things are possible through Christ who gives you strength. And this means, the capacity is endless, THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST. You're not supposed to be running with a timebomb in your head, that once you exceed the time and you feel tired, you stop running. You're supposed to keep running, this marathon of a life. You're not supposed to give an expiration date to hope, to patience, if not those words would cease to exist. I've become so lazy and complacent and my spiritual discipline is at an all-time low, and I thank God for His mercy towards me. I got complacent because, got people praying for me what, I pray for what, I'm in so much pain anyway. no no no no no no. Bery bad, bery bery bad. Yes, people lift you up, but there comes a point where you gotta get your shit together and start running again. Take water breaks in between if you need, but do not stop running.
Entitlement is a lie. Not just with this sickness, but with sadness as well. Sometimes we feel so down and we feel like the universe owes us, like God owes us, like we've had enough shit and it's time for the good to come. When it feels unbearable, all the more we need to fight and run and cling on to God. ALL THE MORE. But remember that we cannot do it by our own strength. This, I kinda forgot along the way. You see, when you xena mode, you feel so responsible for everything. Like you should've done this, should've done that, not enough, not ever enough. But we are not meant to be xena mode. We are meant to cling on to God who will refresh, restore, rejuvenate da soul. So when you don't feel like praying, do it anyway. Because prayer is a two-way street, and sometimes all we gotta do is be still, not talk, but listen and see what God wants to say. It's not all about us tanking this relationship and doing this and that, sometimes it's about being receptive. I don't know if what I'm typing even makes sense anymore because I'm damn shagged from today but I felt really heavy in the heart that I have to put this out there.
Don't be stupid like me plox.
Don't xena mode.
We are not meant to xena mode.
We are not meant to xena mode.
Be soft, receive, listen.
Be soft, be humble, it's ok.