I fear if I allow my thoughts to flow without any effort to contain them, to control them, to change them, my physical body would rot away with them. I fear if I allow myself to mourn, I would be accepting death, and it would trigger the countdown in my head, in my heart, in the cells that spread further and further apart. I fear if I purge my sorrow, I might repel the people around me, I might make them hate me, I might make them wish I was gone already. Somehow there is a structure within me that surrounds my skeleton, helping me move when I don't feel like it. There is a structure within me that allows me to function like my days are ordinary. There is a structure within me that allows me not to crumble, not to fall, not to call the ones who have left to ask them to stay with me even if for a short while.
Practically speaking, I don't know what I'm going to do about practicum or school or work because everything is unsteady. The only thing that is confirmed is death, as it is with everyone else. The only question is when. I fear if I think about what I want to do before I turn 27, I would be signing my life away. I fear if I make my bucket list, I admit defeat. I fear if I think about who I want to spend what little time I have left with, I would be left alone.
There is so much fear, if I allow it through the doors. As of now I fear nothing, I am at peace, I can deal with whatever happens. But I fear that I would allow fear to enter and consume me.
I really don't want to be left alone.
And I really don't want to be replaced nor forgotten.
Sometimes I imagine everyone going on with their life after I'm gone. I see my bestfriends find new bestfriends. I see my babies clinging on to new people. I see myself fading from photographs and seeing new, more vibrant, happier ones emerge without me in the picture. And I can't help but feel a weight of sadness come down upon me. I cannot deal with that. I cannot deal with not being part of something anymore. So I exit on my own accord. I get used to not being with certain people so that when relationships expire I feel less of the ache. Sometimes I want to burn all the photographs on my wall, I want to pack my life in a suitcase and run away. Sometimes I feel like being in a foreign place so I don't see people replacing me, so I don't witness change.
Sometimes I imagine everyone going on with their life after I'm gone. I see my bestfriends find new bestfriends. I see my babies clinging on to new people. I see myself fading from photographs and seeing new, more vibrant, happier ones emerge without me in the picture. And I can't help but feel a weight of sadness come down upon me. I cannot deal with that. I cannot deal with not being part of something anymore. So I exit on my own accord. I get used to not being with certain people so that when relationships expire I feel less of the ache. Sometimes I want to burn all the photographs on my wall, I want to pack my life in a suitcase and run away. Sometimes I feel like being in a foreign place so I don't see people replacing me, so I don't witness change.
Sometimes I feel like I already no longer exist.