On the plane home today, I was finally by myself after 7 days with the sister in Perth. I saw the most adorable, well-behaved little boy cozying up between his parents on a three-seater. He looked at his parents with so much admiration and wonder, like they were his heroes and he was the luckiest five-year-old in the world. He had the sweetest smile that would reveal his deep dimples and his cheeks were so rosy. His head was on his father's lap and his mother patted his legs until he fell asleep. And then I felt the waterworks coming on and I fought to hold them back. My whole face was hot and I was really really sad because I was thinking, if I really die in three years, I would never become a mom. I would never have kids and build the loving home I always wanted. I wouldn't be on a plane at the age of 30, let alone be on a plane with my son.
Whenever I'm with people and we always joke about our future spawn, I'm so used to saying things like I want to name my son Tobias because he's my favourite serial killer on Criminal Minds. Or things like I better learn how to cook so my kids will come home for dinner. Or my future home will always be open to anyone who needs a home or a place to nap. And then I feel a tight punch in the gut because somewhere in my head the "if it's time to go, it's time to go" part of me reminds me that I will never be able to experience that.
I always try not to think about it, but when I do, it's only for a short while because I always hold back them thoughts and tears. Don't open the floodgates man, it takes a lot of work to shut them again. When my friends, best friends even, ask me how I am, I really don't know what to say. It's always between not chasing them away/freaking them out and being completely honest. I don't know why I had all these feelings come back to me tonight, maybe it's because I haven't been alone in a while or because of the kid, but I need to realise that there is a chance I won't live past 26. And there is a chance I will never get to experience all of these things.
I realise the only reason why so many of the things that affect me revolve around me not having a family in the future is because that's all I wanted since I was young. Even in primary school I would dream of having a nice loving home to come back to, to have people I love live under the same roof, to feel safe with people and to have a family that really loves each other. But it's dangerous, because whenever I think of this, I get mad at God. When I focus on thoughts like these, I feel shortchanged. I feel like I never had the chance to have the family I always craved. I know it's not popular to reinforce the stereotype that a woman's life goal is to be a mother, but when you are told that you might never be one, you start to desperately want that.
You never realise what you want until you are told you can't have it.
When these thoughts came to me on the plane, I immediately made a pros and cons list in my head to counter every negative thought. But tonight I just want to dwell and be sad. I really want to live. I really want to see what's at the end of this tunnel for me. I really want my silver lining, or is that too self-indulgent?
So my friends who ask how I am, I hope you find this post because these are the words I never get to say.
It's not a happy night. I hope that's okay.