I haven't really posted an update on the medical schmedical for a while, maybe because I don't really know what to say or what to feel. But since I revived this blog to document this whole thing (I refuse to use the word journey), I thought I'd write it down here. Maybe it would help arrange my thoughts for a bit. And also, even though when I got the news I immediately contacted those closest to me, I still feel awkward talking about the whole disease because a) I don't know if you really want to know or if you really care at all or you feel obliged to care because social obligations/guilt, b) even though I feel like I need certain people to be here for me (I really don't, I'm just being manja and whiney) I don't want to disrupt your lives because the world goes on and I can't expect anyone to pause for me, c) I feel disgusting and needy. So I'm going to talk about it here, in this space where you can choose to read or not, and you can choose to care or not.
I didn't cry when I got admitted to the hospital last November. I didn't cry when I was diagnosed with 4th stage cancer. I didn't cry when I went for chemo/surgery. I always knew in my heart that this was not the last phase of my life, that I would not die by cancer, that I would be completely healed and a miracle was bound to happen. But I started to panic when the doctor told me at the 5th chemo consultation that my cancer marker went up. He told me that it didn't matter if I went for the 5th cycle or not, he just wanted me to go for a scan immediately. I didn't think much of it until after the scan and I had my next consultation scheduled. I cried that Sunday when pastor asked us to stand if we needed prayer. I cried that Sunday during youth when I asked for prayer and asked for a miracle. I cried in public in front of my doctor and my father for the first time ever when he told me that my scan showed that the tumour was growing again, the cells are spreading again, and that treatment wasn't really working. I cried when he told me that this meant that I would remain as a 4th stage cancer patient and that they would stop trying to cure it but begin to control it to prolong my life. I cried when he told me I had approximately 3 years left.
3 years.
3 seems so short that it doesn't even deserve to be spelt out because it has five letters and that doesn't represent the gravity of the situation very well. I thought of how I haven't lived enough, how I haven't had the human experience I thought we were promised as a package deal for living on earth, how I haven't accomplished anything in terms of personal achievements and my relationships with those around me. I cried because for the first time, shit got real. Death was so close. I finally entertained the thought of no longer existing.
That very same day I got the news, Godmother Oh was with me and she took the rest of the day off to take me out. I am blessed, so undeniably blessed, to have such a great support system. But I cannot help but feel guilty because they are somebody else's parents after all. I don't know how to accept help/love without feeling guilty. So all the more I didn't feel like telling anybody.
I felt like complete shit the entire day and waterworks just kept threatening to turn on. But I felt so much better after talking to the most important people in my life. The sister said 3?! I don't believe. Let's make it 30. The korkor said stop being the sad ass sorry you, yolo swag for once. I didn't dare tell the jiejies because I know they would be crushed but adults have their own channel and they received news damn fast too. Naturally, our tiny church being our tiny church, I was flooded with text messages from pastor and the rest. I was a little annoyed because I didn't want to tell anybody yet, but then I figured, people wanna pray for you why you wanna reject? The meimei just sent me a lot of hearts and came to stayover for as long as I wanted, and I knew that she had already received the news. People always say that church is home, and for me, it really is. Sometimes I even mix up my cousins and church kids because we are so tight and I forget which category they belong to. Everyone has been super nice to me and relatives keep giving me money and cousins whom I haven't talked to in years are beginning to come talk to me and I feel really uncomfortable. I'm really glad, but I just feel really uncomfortable.
The day the meimei went home and I was alone at home I was manja maximum and I just felt so sad and so alone. Not because she was gone, but because I finally had space time to process my emotions. I don't know what to feel, but I still feel that I'm not going to die in 3 years. I still feel good. The news made me push myself even more, physically. I've been working out every day, sweating it out like I'm releasing all the bad vibes and bad thoughts. Somehow I think that if I became super active I would kill all the cancer cells. Also, I've started to really appreciate my functioning body and I realised I need to use it while I still can.
But there are nights where I am filled with so much sadness too. And I know the sister is filled with so much sadness. And I wish she would feel better because I don't feel sad allllll the time. Just in little spaces of the day. But other than that I'm still me, with all the hatred for the world and sarcasm.
My wizard brother reminded me, you kicked butt before, you'll do it again. And every time I look at the boxing gloves he gave me with the words keep on fighting lazily signed by him, I feel super pumped and encouraged. While the girls baby me and sayang me, and the boys tough loving me and annoying the shit out of me, and the sister speaking our language with me, I feel like I've got a damn good support system with me. But the doctor insists I join a support group for young cancer patients because your friends won't understand what you're going through. Ugh.
As of now, I'll continue pushing myself physically every day, continue tutoring, continue being a productive member of society (helping the economy by shopping lol). Most importantly, I must continue treasuring and building on the relationships I have with those around me. Because without you guys, I really wouldn't have been this hopeful for this long.
<3
let's make it 30