It's not easy to yolosweg. The faithless doctor keeps talking to me as if I should be doing all the things I want to do and ignore the practical like school and work, and I hate it when he does that. He talks as if I should be spending my final days living comfortably doing all the things people list in their bucket lists. Firstly, I'm not dying yet. Secondly, I still need to live every day and that requires money and I still need to complete my degree because I do intend to live longer than three years and I would need a stable job to feed myself. He makes me mad because he always looks at me with pity eyes and makes me feel like a patient. Persuading me to join support groups and shit.
Anyway, it's not easy to yolosweg. It's not easy to do the things I want because I've been wired to take care of things. I cannot pack up and travel because then what about my tuition kids? What about practicum? What about school? Every week is scheduled so tightly because I try to milk my days every day. My days are broken up into pigeonholes I put work and friends in. But it causes a problem because now that people are extending their homes to me countries away I find no time and no space. I never gave myself enough room to breathe. I really want to pack and go, but then, my tuition kids how? It feels so silly to be bothered by such a small thing compared to this "grave" disease that makes me wanna drop everything, but this is the practical side of life isn't it. You still need to earn money. You still need to help the kids you made a commitment to. You still need to study. You cannot live on sympathy and well wishes.
I often wonder about other cancer patients and how they live their lives. Some take a break from school, some take a break from work, but others still continue their everyday jobs and only take breaks to go for chemo. I'll probably be back in school but I'll have to carry the pump with me again. I'm not fine with that. I hate that shit so much I wish I didn't have to go through it again. But my friends have seen it before and that's ok. But how am I going to tutor with the pump? What will their parents think? >>>>>: Why am I bothered by the little things sigh.
Anyway.
I'm at the awkward stage of cancer where everyone tells me to yolosweg but I still need to work and feed myself and I have to keep my promises and fulfil my commitments. So, nosweg. Also, if all is well I'm taking a two-month break from chemo so I can have all the sashimi and medium rare steaks again *_* friends, let's.