I used to say, this cancer will not kill me, but your volatile behaviour and your mood swings will. But you know what? You will not kill me. Throw me all your punches, I will not react. I will not fall. I will not fail. I will not waver in faith. COME AT ME BRO. My body is aching from the jab and of course you still cause a living hell in the house. I cannot towel dry my hair because my scalp burns like hell fire and you won't let me use your hairdryer because it's noisy. Can, can. Throw some more at me. Scream, complain, take out your anger on me. I CANNOT CONTROL MY WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT, YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? Of course you don't. You don't believe my doctors and nurses. You believe that I am wilful and I'm purposely harming my body. You know what, I really cannot deal with you anymore, I can only pray. Every time you fight me I feel my body dying. I will be zen for my own sake. I will not retaliate for God's sake. I will continue to pray because if doctors and nurses and churches and family and friends cannot speak to you, only the holy spirit can. I am so angry at you, but be angry and do not sin, and do not let the sun set on your anger. I will try, God, I will try. And God, You don't give us more than we can bear. And God, You are sovereign still.
One good scan comes out, you praise God. One report of low WBC count, which by the way is COMMON in CANCER PATIENTS GOING THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY, and CANNOT BE CONTROLLED, you give up completely and you think I'm destroying my body. How to tahan, I ask you? What right do you have to be angry at ME? Don't you think that I of all people am DEVASTATED that my WBC count is low and I cannot do chemo? Don't you think that I am so upset that I have to skip school to come back for chemo? Of course you don't. The world revolves around you. I have no right to be upset. I have no right to feel awful. It's always been like this, hasn't it. If I fell sick as a child it was my fault. Wasting money seeing doctor. Wasting money on medicine. You remind me ALL MY LIFE how much money I've cost you. Even now when I'm going through cancer you still remind me how much this all costs. THIS is why I cannot depend on you. THIS is why I never take money from you anymore. THIS is why I don't trust you. But like the doctor said, and like God has been reminding me, I have to move forward. I have to let go of the past. I truly thought I had, and we had a good thing going, I even submitted myself to happy mother happy life. But you just SNAP and behave as you always do. Undependable. My body hurts like a bitch from the jab but my heart aches so much more. God. Please send help. Please.