Since when did we treat medical reports like a report card from school? If it turns out bad, it's because we didn't do something right. The healthiest of people die for no reason, we are not immortal. White blood cells go down with chemotherapy. I had to deal with the bad report, but I dealt with it by rejoicing because I know that this is bound to happen, and I know that God is still in control, and I know that it is a good sign because it shows that treatment is useful. But the way they are dealing with it, by blaming me, makes me wonder, why are we treating medical reports like report cards? And now I am afraid. And I am stressed. That I MUST always produce good results if not they would blame me. I MUST always be progressing forward if not they would be unhappy. Am I recovering for my own sake or theirs? People tell me, and I understand, that when you are sick, your loved ones suffer with you. But now I feel like I am suffering for their sake. I could easily take bad news because God is sovereign and I know He is faithful and everything He does is intentional. But they don't see that. And with this, I am so afraid of everything. What if I bring home not-so-good news? Would they argue? Would they blame me? Is it really my fault? I have zero control over these things.
People tell me, apologise to her to end the cold war that started from no trigger but a bad WBC report. I understand that you don't have to be in the wrong to apologise, you do it to save the relationship. But I asked them, what am I apologising for? I cannot apologise for something I don't understand. And they told me, apologise for the situation. So what does that mean? I'm sorry I have cancer? I want to go into detail about how families are supposed to be supportive during this period, not rip your heart out every day. But for what, I know in my head that I have to rise above and not think about these things. These thoughts do no good. But what if I fail? Will you judge me if I fail?
I know in my head the things I have to do. Rise above. But it takes effort. And I am tired.
People tell me you're looking good today aren't you! when I'm laughing and I'm all dressed up and I look healthy. But they don't understand how much I struggle every night to take all my medicine, all my prescribed pills and creams and lotions and ointments, just so things wouldn't hurt so much. They don't see how much I struggle with the physical changes of my body. They don't see how much I hurt when I see a face I don't recognise in the mirror. But my head tells me, you are stronger than this. My head tells me, vanity is the least of your worries. My head tells me, this is a good sign, rejoice! So I do. I rejoice. I truly do. But the more people tell me how good I look, the more I fight my emotions with my rationality, the more I fight to keep my head proper and my feelings far away.
People tell me I'm so encouraged to see how joyful you are. But they don't see, this is a choice. A choice you have to exercise. They say that God must love me very much, to keep me joyful during this period. Yes, I do agree. But I am always tempted to shake those around me and tell them IT IS A CHOICE YOU HAVE TO EXERCISE, AND IT TAKES EFFORT. WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY? I HAVE CHEMO ON MONDAY. But my head tells me, everyone has their own mountain to climb. My head tells me, you know better than to compare struggles, YOU KNOW better than to think yourself suffering more than others. My head tells me, it doesn't matter how much you are suffering, this is your battle, other people have their own to fight, and you cannot fight it for them, nor can they fight this for you.
But you know. The more they say these things to me, the more weight I feel on my shoulders. That I should always be joyful. That I should always be optimistic. That I should always look happy. I try my hardest to never touch the negative. I know it is not from God and it is not productive. And I know once I touch that nerve I would spiral down into a pit of bitterness and it would do me no good. So I stay away from that. I actively stay away from that. But they think it's easy. They tell me, you are the stronger one, so you have to do this. You are the more faithful one, so you have to do this. But do you know how much EFFORT and ENERGY it takes to do all these? It is honestly very difficult to not spiral into sadness, and I fight with this every single day. Every time I wake up I make the choice to look forward and not let the bitterness of the past take its place in my present. Every time something bad happens I pray so hard to forgive and to move on. Every time I receive unpleasant news I reconcile it with God. And every time shit happens at home, what can I do but pray. Be the bigger person. Be the mature one. Be responsible. Be patient. Be kind. Be gentle. Be be be be be be. There's so many things I KNOW I must be, therefore I am.
But what if I'm tired. What if I told you, I want to take a break today. I don't want to be your role model. I don't want to be your instagram caption. I don't want to be your inspiration. What if I told you. All I want is a giant hug. And all I want to do is cry. And all I want to do is not talk or rationalise or reconcile and I just want to cry. What if I fail? If I don't meet your expectations? If I take an off day from being the happy cancer girl whose faith is unshakeable. If I don't want to bb cream my face so it doesn't look so bad. If I don't want to dress up to feel better. If I don't want to go out and socialise and assure you I am ok. If I don't want to do anything or be anything for anybody and not be accountable for anything at all and just cry. It sounds ridiculous. After all the talk about how I am xena and I am zen and I am stronger than my circumstances. Perhaps I am just being self-indulgent, and again, feeling entitled. Entitlement is a lie. Again my head is telling me, this is not your ticket to be irresponsible for your actions and feelings, rise above. WHAT IF TONIGHT, I JUST CAN'T. What if I cannot take this shit anymore. Not the illness, but the shit at home. I can deal with cancer and chemo and school. But coming home to this every day really kills your spirit. What if I don't want to pray about this anymore. What if I don't want to care about this anymore. What if I just want to focus on getting better and not bother about how SHE feels and how SHE wants to be understood and how I should give in to HER?
I am very very very tired.
And I am worried that I would fail.
That one day I would slip up and just not laugh at jokes anymore, or break into song anymore, or love anyone anymore. Will you judge me if I fail? Will you judge me if I told you as much as I believe I am strong and independent and I can deal with going to chemo alone and suffering the side effects alone and being alone, I really just want a shoulder to cry on and tell me that I am not alone.
I feel terrible.
And my head is constantly wrestling with my heart.
Constantly sitting on the fence wavering between emotions and rationality.
Constantly fighting to stay away from negativity.
Fighting, so much fighting, so much fighting.
I am very tired.
I don't want to deal with this anymore.
Can I not?
Can I fail?
Will you forgive me if I do?
I'm sorry I don't live up to what I'm called to do.
Just give me one night.
I'll be fighting again tomorrow.
Chemo tomorrow.
My spirit is tired.