Heavy

I wish you never grew up, little one. The world threw you spears before you developed a shield. And now that’s all you can ever afford to put on to protect your worn-out skin. Your heart never learnt to process pain, so it grew a barricade of thorns so nothing could enter. But the few that did enter, you never knew how to let go of them. Even those that constantly hurt you, you clung on to them for dear life because you built a world with them already. And those you did learn to let go of only strengthened the barricade. You gave your heart so readily to anyone who entered that when they walked away, a piece of your heart lived outside your body. As long as your heart was beating, there always was a lifeline connected to whatever was left of you. Even when you learnt what healing meant, the lifeline was always there. This taught you to harden your heart even more, to destroy the lifeline in the process. Because loving those who had let you down was exhausting and sucked the life out of you. And even when they decided to barge into your life again, you never accepted them. You still don't accept them. Because years of reinforcement taught you that trust is a one-time contract. How can you believe someone who's fed you lies, who've cheated, who've let you down over and over and over. Every person in your childhood and in your youth has let you down in someway, the shoulders you leaned on left you when things got difficult. The face you knew and loved is now indifferent. The people who were your pillars and ears at 3 in the morning got bored of you. I wish I taught you better, little one. Just because you take words seriously doesn't mean others give theirs weight. Just because you never found love at home doesn't mean you go round looking for shelter even if it's made of cardboard or gold. I thought you were more discerning than this. I wish you never grew up, little one. I have failed you in so many ways. You are too soft and too hard. You are too smart and too dumb. You are too aware and too ignorant. You love too fiercely and hate too passionately. I wish I had taken better care of you. I wish I had loved you more. I wish you never grew up, little one.

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If you look at who you are now, every aspect of you always traces back to your childhood. Your trust issues. Your insecurity. Your bitterness. And you carry this weight with you into your adulthood. I feel so damaged. Socially handicapped. I feel like I don't know how to be a human being with other human beings. I feel like I do not belong. Anywhere. I do not belong. With anyone. And I guess this is why I so readily accept death, not in the morbid please let this cancer kill me way, but, nothing holds me here. Nobody holds me here. Today I floated in and out of consciousness during chemotherapy. I felt my body sinking and rising constantly. My insides were never quite right, never quite still. But every time I rose, I felt my body letting go. I felt no need to hold on to anything. And it felt good. It felt nice. But I woke up and I was in the chair. And I really wished I had floated away. I am not asking to die. I am hoping for a reason to stay. I know not having anything earthly hold you back is something many people find difficult to live by. People fear death because there's so much going on for them on earth. But for me. Really. Nothing has held me back, ever. If we are being perfectly honest, there is nothing on this earth I can't do without. But sometimes that feels utterly empty. I write, but I've only ever published ONE thing and it's because the sister was editor. I was editor, but only for two publications. I compose music, but I ever only did non-paying gigs and the songs that I had to do were songs I don't even like listening to. I take photos, but I am mediocre. I draw, but I am again so painfully lousy. My life is composed of one-hit wonders and mediocrity. It is of little impact and little significance. Look at the stars and imagine all the galaxies out there. What am I? You could say, to someone you are the universe. But I am not. I wish I could be a star in one of the many galaxies in the universe. Even if I were surrounded by billions of other stars and amazing creations, at least... at least I'd get to float.