Honestly, I'm super grumpy at this point and I spent the whole day in my room watching dramas in the dark because I'm in sucha bad mood. I don't like it when things don't go according to plan. Not like, WOO SURPRISE CANCER that kind, but little things like when you mark things down nicely in your planner, and you are expecting something to happen, and you kinda anchor your week on that one thing, and then it gets taken away from you. I don't like things like that. I was supposed to go for chemo today, 4/6. And I planned alllll my days and my dates around this schedule. But my white blood cell count is a devastating 0.4 and I cannot do chemo unless I hit at least a 1.5. So I put on my hood and walked out of the hospital feeling very unsatisfied. At first I was planning to go hang with the friends but then the nurse said in front of the mothership stay home and rest. So house arrest. What's worse is that I have to come back on Monday for chemo. Monday is the first day of school. You know how excited I've been to be back in school. And it's Warren's class! ): But ok, this is a very small thing. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. This means on Tuesday I'd have to carry my pump to school. I pray it doesn't malfunction because NTU to NUH is a very long distance. And also imagine the machine beeping in class. I don't want to be that sick kid that has to worry if something would go wrong in the middle of the day, but I won't worry because pray and because God (Y). All my grumbling aside, this timing is actually quite perfect. Even though I'm missing the first day of school, I'll have to go to the hospital to turn off the pump on the third day, Wednesday, aka lesson-free day! And this means there's a very very good chance I get to go for Laneway because the dates have shifted so perfectly! Ok, I'll give up ONE Warren for one music festival.
SCAN RESULTS ARE OUT!!! I didn't feel much, no anxiety no worry, because in my heart I truly knew that God was working wonderfully through my body. The results were fantastic, as expected, to God be the glory. Because the doctors gave me a targeted treatment, the cancer cells around my colon (it's colorectal cancer btw, if you don't know) have completely disappeared! PRAISE GOD! The mothership blurted in reflex OH PRAISE GOD and I thank God for that because she really needs the reassurance. Even though she's not convinced by what my dietician says, what my doctor says, what my nurses say, and her faith is in the strangest of people and places, this report of my scan is hard proof that we are in fact on the right track. My doctor was very cautious, though. He said we must still treat this as a stage four cancer, so, be cautiously joyful. LOL. Doctor, my joy you cannot see you cannot control you cannot understand.
We went to see the dietician on the 2nd. It was upsetting for me because her whole aim of the discussion was to fatten me up. High-calorie foods. Dietician, as long as my blood shows that my protein level is good can already what, my weight has nothing to do with this. Please don't give me fat milk. Ensure Plus is this meal-in-a-packet thing. It's supposed to be a supplement or replacement if I lose my appetite. But the parentship is treating it like it's vitasoy. NO, I DON'T WANT THREE PACKETS IN A ROW. I'm not weight-conscious but I definitely don't think fattening me up will do any good for my mental well-being ya. I'm still vain afterall (no lie). The dietician was advising us on a bunch of stuff but the mothership was cringing the whole time because she is not convinced at all. Because she googles. Hello, you got mosquito bite you google you think you gon die. I want to tell her, can you put your faith in God and never waver, just because you talk to someone who is a christian and they tell you something DOES NOT MEAN IT IS FROM GOD. Just because someone is a christian doesn't mean you believe every single word. Your faith should be in the Word and in God, not people. Definitely not strangers who just happen to be christian. This is the same problem as the whole dating a christian checklist thing. It is definitely a pet peeve of mine. If God wanted me to do something else about my disease, He would speak to ME, and others as well, but definitely I would hear something and I would have the peace.
This really upsets me though. I thank God that He's prepared me and given me strength so far, because I know for a fact that I cannot afford to be weak in this house. She is so unstable and emotional. Parents in church are coming to me telling me to be patient to give her time to give in to her. They literally said: when you are the strong one, you have to be the patient one, you have to give in. It is so frustrating because I KNOW I'm supposed to be all these and I know that I CAN be all this as in I have the abilities to be, but I often fall into the whole I'M THE ONE THAT'S SICK, WHY CAN'T THEY BE THE ONES WHO ARE UNDERSTANDING, WHY CAN'T THEY GIVE IN??? If I fall, I tell you honestly I have nobody to catch me here. I can trust my friends to wake up my idea, especially Dee he damn tough love sometimes I chua tio also. I have friends who are tough. Who don't sayang me and baby me but tell me things like stop it, you can do this. snap out of it. I need that. But if I feel like falling, not because I have to but because sometimes I am a brat and I don't want to control my emotions, this house will fall. The mothership will breakdown in tears and sob and call the world on her phone. So thank you friends for your tough love and thank you sister for knowing me and not babying me. Sigh, you are not entitled to be a brat, cmm. This is not a ticket for you to be irresponsible for your emotions and actions. You know better. Ok. Rise above. Always rise above. With God's strength of course, and in God's will. You do alone you die confirm.
So that's been my week. Hospital visits after hospital visits. Cancer centre level 9 level 10. Queue numbers, blood tests, height and weight, needles, plasters, bruises, waiting, so much waiting, nagging, so much nagging, praying so much praying because nagging. Ok la, cancer centre quite chio. The window panels are huge so there's always natural light. And ok la, I'm not afraid of needles anyway. And ok la, my side effects have pretty much been getting lighter. I told God that I'm damn afraid the side effects would come back full force after the 4/6 cycle because it always happens. The scalp, the face, the ulcers. But then I also told Him that I know for a fact He doesn't give us more than we can bear. And if He levels up my challenges He will also give me power ups. And I know that even if the side effects do come back full force, I've seen the worst (because at my lowest I told God PLEASE LET THIS BE THE WORST I EVER FEEL), I've conquered it, I've been through it with a fat smile on my face. So even if they come back, I know I can tahan. But God, please, I really pray it wouldn't. I thank God that my doctor cares more about my vanity than I do. I've pretty much surrendered my face and scalp to the forces of evil. And I rejoice, TRULY REJOICE, when they show signs of getting better. So I'm always baffled when my doctor looks at me and goes, I'm so sorry your face is in this condition, unfortunately we know that it is a side effect, but that means that things are going good. But I am truly sorry. I feel like telling him, BRO, IZ OK. YOU CAN CHILL. But I didn't and he got me an appointment at the dermatologist! YAY MY FACE GOT HOPE! Very good also, I don't really want to face the awkwardness when I go back to school and my friends don't know how to react to my face. I am fine with cui face but it's the reactions I get that make things so awkward. GO BACK TO SCHOOL ON TUESDAY WITH PUMP CONFIRM AWKWARD ALSO. Don't sayang me please, ESPECIALLY WENDY. I don't want to waste energy assuring you I chill. This week, hopitel 4 times. Champion. But iz ok because tomorrow uniqlo got sale and I can pick up my hoodie (Y). OH the doctor's gonna give me a booster jab tomorrow so that by Monday I DEFINITELY would have the WBC count good enough to do chemo. Really feel like game now. Really power up. He literally called it a booster. I can hear the sound effects in my head. CH-CHING!
Ok. That's the medical updates I have for now.
(yay laneway hurhurhurhur @grimlay @johann. do you even know my blog exists?)